Om Ma Ni Pad Me Hum

hidden meanings

2012-01-03T02:08:00.001-05:00

It is true, ask and ye shall receive.

Yet are we always conscious of what we are asking for? Maybe Ihave an idea of my dream job/relationship/family for the future...yet if how I live now does not align with these goals, I will achievenothing but disappointment. For example, say I want to increase myprofit from my current venture. If I think about it saying every time"[Expletive], I have too much to do/ I'm not capable/ I don'tdeserve it/ [Insert excuse] "--- how will I make progress? Imust change my frame of mind if I want to see a change in mycircumstances.

Having goals that push us outside of our comfort zones isimportant for our development. Stretching our arms, hearts, minds iswonderful growth. At the same time, I believe balance is good for ustoo, such as thinking about the present moment, and our encounterson a daily basis. If my goal is to achieve the highest spiritualstate possible, how will I do that if I wait for the perfect tree tomeditate under? Or the perfect condition to feel compassion forothers? Perhaps the moment isn't then, but now.

For some reason our society informs us we must have the perfectstate--such as the perfect income, body weight, or partner--in orderto feel pure joy, and only then can we go the extra mile to share life's beauty with others. Sure, more money, a better body or relationship can enhance our lives,and perhaps the act of working hard for our passions will bring usjoy. However, my final goal is not reached through one magical step.It is actually something a lot more than that... it's an accumulationof many small actions that lead us to our dreams. Making that call,saying those apologies, holding that door, giving that hug, sharingthe smile. Forgiveness is a powerful healing process, and I sendmy prayers to all those who are working through it. As I've been toldby others, forgiveness isn't just for them—it's also for us, to letgo of our anger and let in love. As Buddha said, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned" (Buddha was the Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.

If I want to achieve XYZ, I must start with what I have, which ishere and now. A favorite quote a friend shared with me: “Let therebe peace on earth. Let it begin with me”. It always comesback to us—you and me.

What energy are we sending out? What thoughts are wethinking? Everything we think, feel and do influences everything elsein our lives. This idea also connects with the idea that "perceptionis reality". We literally create our realities-- or at least,our perceptions of them. When we are not conscious of this, we livein a world that is controlled by our reactions to external andinternal stimuli. When I learn to step back from situations, and seewhat it's all really about, I find myself saying and doing lessharmful things. Taking that deep breath, connecting with the root ofthe matter, having regard for the other person's intentions... isinvaluable, to say the least.

If my goal is “Enlightenment”, how will I get there, unless Iact with compassion now, with this stranger, and my mother, and myneighbor, or this Earth? If my goal is to make a dream job a reality,how will it happen, unless I send positive energy toward that goal?—And think things like, “I will make time for my passions. I canmake this happen! I deserve my dreams to come true, today”.

When we open ourselves up to our potential, we are able to see thepotential in others. When we listen to our hearts, we can see other'shearts more clearly. As we honor our commitments to our passions, webegin to have higher value for ourselves, and see others havevalue, too. On a micro scale, our relationships with others become moreharmonious when we see their humanity, and respect our own. On amacro scale, the idea of human rights stems from the belief all lifehas value, and everyone deserves to be treated as such. Yet we cannothelp humanity unless we see ourselves as part of a community ofindividuals; we cannot help others unless we honor our Selves, honorour role as an individual.

I believe in the power of the human Spirit to unite us all; to putaway our differences, our competitive and destructive ways. I believethe universe is conspiring to shower us with blessings, as Mr.Brezsny says. May we all know our worth and value the worth ofothers. May we face our circumstances and transform them into apositive reality. May we always grow~ learn from our experiences, trynew things, never give up.

Amen to all religious and non-religious traditions~

All is one.... Om shanti...

And Happy New Year!

Blessed be

2011-12-19T01:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Universe,
Thank you for all the blessings in my life-- the ones I am aware of, and the vast unknown that takes place beyond my grasp. I look at the end of 2011, and can hardly believe all that I have accomplished this year, and how much more I have to look forward to in the coming months. Yet success has changed its meaning for me. I think at one point I probably spent more time comparing myself to others, insecure of my own worth. Now I look at others' accomplishments, and feel proud for them. I have a lot of friends who have very fast-paced lives, who make so much happen in their young lives. They inspire me. Yet every time I try to do as they do, I stumble. It's true, stumbling is a natural progression when learning how to walk. I am thankful for my stumbles. I am also grateful to have realized what my pace is... what my rhythm, my dance, my song sounds like, and all the better that it is my song--natural, unique, Me.
As I learn this tune, I also look at the world around me, and wonder where I fit in. What is my mission on this earth, in this lifetime, with the gifts I have, and the people I am surrounded by? I see a pattern, yet cannot discern the full connection. I see a humanitarian interest in international women's rights... mixed with a desire to tell stories through film... I see peace through dialogue with different religions and backgrounds... I envision travels far and wide, yet a need to find and contribute to a community wherever I go... I expressed these aspirations to a friend recently, and the word she told me was, "Balance--you need balance". I am sure in this dance of my passions, as I seek within myself and in the world, I will find balance.
But it's not perfection I am after. As I have learned, and continue to learn, life is a series of lessons, a continuous lifelong education, reminding us to keep on keeping on. We must look at our "mistakes", our heartaches, the things we want to "amputate" most... and see them as experiences that we grow from. To cut ourselves off from our humanity is to truly fail, to stumble without standing back up. It is not easy to be grateful in the midst of "bad luck" and hardship--but that is the point. It takes work to have true appreciation!
As I look around myself at the end of this year, surrounded by family, close friends, I can't help but express my thanks to the Universe and the great life force that pervades through every being, every space. I can't help but be thankful for everything I have learned this year, and all the lessons ahead. As I continue to evolve, grow, change, adapt, innovate, create, arise--- life is such a miracle. I send my prayers to all those in pain, may my prayer give them healing and send them strength through their difficulties. May they grow stronger from their challenges and one day help others.
In this holiday season, in this new year, may we all put away our differences and find common ground, because we all bleed the same color and cry the same tears. We all have our troubles and our joys, no matter what our socioeconomic background. May we all share the gift of life and appreciate its great diversity. May we help each other to find peace, because I believe peace will only be possible through our relationships and partnerships. Through working together. May we look ahead to this New Year and aspire to accomplish our greatest dreams... may we look at our limitations and doubts as reason to try even harder. May we have compassion for our colleagues and neighbors, who may need our empathy more than we could understand. May we strive for freedom and equality in every corner of the world, because no human or animal deserves less. May we lead by example in our daily interactions, and try to have patience. May we have the strength of a lion to maintain strong hope in downturns, always knowing we are on our way--even if it doesn't always seem like it. We are never too young or too old to find true love, our dream career, family unity, inner-peace, or whatever our heart is after. Every day is an opportunity because every day is a gift. Let us be thankful, always, and continue to learn on our journeys. May we appreciate the lives of those we have lost, who we miss every day and feel the presence of in the smallest of moments. May we hold the memory of their lives close to our hearts, to remind us of life's impermanence, and the joy of our journey today.

Thank you, Universe~ friends, family, strangers, animals, Earth, elements, angels~

Bless us all~ Blessed be we all are.

Buddhism as I know it

2011-10-19T10:12:00.000-04:00

Hello friends,

I became a Buddhist this past spring, and wanted to share with you a presentation I gave that expresses how I have been able to apply the teachings of Nichiren Daishonin and President Ikeda of the Soka Gakkai International to my life. Enjoy! If you are interesting in learning more about the concepts, check out www.sgi-usa.org, or ask me! :) Thanks to my Buddha family for all of their support!!!

In the World Tribune, President Ikeda is quoted in The New Human Revolution as saying, "Our lives are originally endowed with the supremely noble state of Buddhahood; they are entities of Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. It thus follows that our lives themselves are the object of fundamental respect"
My life is an object of fundamental respect? I am already endowed with Buddhahood? For some people this would seem like a no-brainer, but this quote caught me off guard. As much as I chant, or participate in SGI activities, or study, I realized I was missing a huge key in my practice: self-respect. I did not really believe that I inherently possess "noble state of Buddhahood". Instead, I sought outside myself to gain this limitless strength and wisdom.

"To seek the Mystic Law somewhere outside ourselves essentially amounts to evading responsibility for our own lives. Practicing Nichiren Buddhism means not being swayed this way and that; it means constructing a self that is solid and resolute like towering Mt. Fuji" (33, LB)
I blamed others for my problems-- especially in the area of relationships. I would not take responsibility for the way I felt unloved, and instead sought love and validation outside of myself. I thought if I chanted, the problem would resolve itself without any action on my part. I also believed the problem was not part of me, but attached to whoever wouldn't return my love. My happiness wavered with my infatuations.
"...faith is simply something people hide behind as they avoid dealing with reality. Without a struggle, however, we cannot directly engage the gears of our human revolution" (34, LB)
Not only was I avoiding responsibility for my own life, but I was also using my faith as an excuse to not directly engage with the issue. When my relationships didn't work out, it re-affirmed my deep belief that I did not deserve love--and that I was not worthy enough to possess an inherent Buddha nature. I continued seeking love outside of myself, not seeing that the root of the issue was within me. I was blocking my Buddhahood with my fundamental darkness, and not appreciating the wisdom from this struggle.
"Happiness is not something that someone else, like a lover, can give to us. We have to achieve it for ourselves. And the only way to do so is by developing our character and capacity as human beings--by fully maximizing our potential." (64, "Discussions on Youth")
Here was the good news! While searching for love and happiness in other people, I had forgotten my own power over the situation. Instead of seeking externally, I started shifting my focus on myself. Now, instead of chanting for someone to love me, I am chanting to learn how to love myself, and to develop my own happiness as much as possible. I am chanting to take responsibility for my life and not blame someone else for my unhappiness. These struggles are necessary for me to realize my Buddhahood--without them I would remain blind and unhappy. With them, I am embarking on my own human revolution, which surely leads to victory and happiness.
"That is why battling the darkness or ignorance within us is an unavoidable part of the process of becoming a Buddha. In other words, whether we continuously battle our innate ignorance is the single most important determinant in whether we attain Buddhahood" (32, LB)
Before, I thought becoming a Buddha was a magical moment of enlightenment that took place under the right tree. Now I am learning it is a constant process that involves a continuous struggle with our inherent darkness-- and to never give up!
Questions: 1. How do you seek enlightenment outside of yourself? 2. What struggles have helped you with your human revolution?

A poem

2011-06-17T18:27:00.000-04:00

Dear World, dear Self, dear stranger, dear lover, dear Higher Power,

This letter is for you, wrapped in invisible, freeing love
that embraces and releases at once
This letter is for you, dear soul, creature, animal
to remind you to
AWAKEN
deep within the truth
you die to let out
except for some reason, waiting till death
is preferable than letting the
truth out now

Now
now
now
what is now?
It's not yesterday
it's not tomorrow
let's find now
now

Now is letting go of the past
and the fear of the future
Now does not care how
I arrived in this moment
or how I plan to exit this
to the next
Now does not judge me
Now is simple and
always here now

Now why are you so afraid
to awaken to now?
Why do you let the past haunt you,
and the future terrify you,
and all the reasons why you CANNOT
stop you from doing what you CAN?

We say we cannot
We say we are victims of society
of mothers and fathers
of ourselves
our addictions, fears
Yet when do we start saying,
we are survivors and stronger?
When do we move on?

Now
Because now that you are here
you can express your rage and grief
in violent tears
and kicking walls
a tsunami of emotions
crashing through
you fear the waves
yet did you know
that you will still be standing?
your foundation is
connected to the core of this earth
and stretches to the celestial bodies
that govern the oceans of stars
in our soul

You will still be standing
whether or not he says no
or she says yes
or if you get what you want
or don't.

Your heart will still beat
perhaps stronger
the more you persist
to struggle
like a pearl
to shine and become smooth
to find the truth within
yourself

the truth was never lost
you were

the truth was always here
were you?

the mind plays games
and beats us up
the heart is broken
from love and no love
the pain of existence
the tedium, mundane,
quotidian details
stacked up together
like the rolls in your stomach
or the wrinkles in your face
it all amounts to nothing
they say

I say, it is something
even the most pathetic of moments

the surface may seem one way
look on the other side
what do you see?
It's not what it seemed
it changed
or was it always the same
and you changed?

look at your Self
what do you see?

It's not what it seemed
it changed
or was it always the same
and you changed
the way you see?

You are right,
you won't make it, and you will fail.
Keep telling yourself this, and you will be right.

You are right,
you will make it, and whatever the outcome is, you will shine, blossoming like a lotus from the mud, waiting to enter the world so gracefully and eloquently after such pain that you cry it was so beautiful to be alive

~

Namaste

All is one

2011-06-06T00:13:00.000-04:00

I apologize for not responding to your e-mails! Life, work, school have kept me busy... and I am learning busy is not always a bad thing. I promise to write back this week. I just wanted to share with you something...

I had a wonderful day today! I hope you did too.

I have posted two new original songs on my youtube, http://www.youtube.com/user/andthesundancekid

Check them out if you are interested.

Aren't we so blessed with all the gifts in our life? Our blood family and our friend family? Our brains, our hearts, our souls, our independence and originality? Our ability to grow, evolve, learn, expand, collapse, fall, and still continue to strive for betterment in our lives?

Perfection, no. Progress, yes.

My mantra for this upcoming week is progress. Letting go of the judgments that hold me back from being my true potential inwardly and outwardly. The world truly is our oyster. Every day, every moment there is an opportunity to gain insight, to step back and take a deep breath, to try to understand, to LAUGH!

My second mantra for this week is not a mantra... but laughter! I think cultivating a sense of humor is so important in this mad mad mad maddd world we live in. Don't you?

Cheers to laughter, clarity, and peace~~

Charlotte

P.S. Thank you for your readership and support. My blog link is http://charlottelyles.blogspot.com

A little poem

2011-05-14T15:26:00.002-04:00

we're all just trying to make it by the by//

rid ourselves of the lies//

that cloud our judgment and eyes//

see the beauty//

accept the ugly//

and see humans as humans because we all are and WHY not.

What's so funny about peace, love, and happiness

2011-05-10T20:14:00.000-04:00

New York is full of a lot of people who believe their money and status separate them from other human beings. That's not the only barrier I have encountered-- they also use their religion, political views, race, class, and so many other factors to prevent unity with others. I think it is important we are acknowledged as individuals, yet not because "I" am more or less than "you".

An interesting quote I ran across from a Christian pastor, Billy Graham, saying that we are all on equal ground at the foot of the cross. Yes, this is true of all humanity, not solely Christians, in my very humble opinion. I say "very humble" because I hardly know enough of the Bible, the Quraan, ancient Eastern texts, and other religions to qualify to make any of these statements. Yet, I am a thinking, growing individual, who encounters things that every life form in our majestic universe experiences--life, death, pain, growth, evolution. As a human, like many animals, I also experience love and loss. We share our common desire to survive, to protect our family/ourselves, to teach the young how to survive.

I see a pattern here. The universal connection.

Yet I also see how we are also human, with our ego, anger, desire, fear, envy, and countless other things. Sometimes this "I" tell us we are not anything but "I".

I, eye, perception, ego, mind, reality, body, sight, clarity, confusion, thoughts, emotions, actions, you, we, us, this world...

It's all connected... this boundless, infinite connection... in which our mind creates barriers. Perhaps to protect ourselves? Our families? Our way of life?

Yet even I must look at these angry, asshole New Yorkers and see myself in them. How am I any better than them, when I write here to judge them? Or at least, I start with my judgment to understand where it comes from, and why it persists in my mind. Why I even let their insanity infringe on my sanity.

Wait a second, back to Judgment... Do we judge others to build-up our own self-image? Or is it simply the back chatter in our heads we learn to tune down? What about the way we judge ourselves--and is there any relation to our self-judgments and how we judge others?

If we were more self-accepting and self-loving...would that make us first, more compassion to our Self... and then, able to acknowledge the Self within.. everyone else?

Why are we afraid of love? Why is it easier for people to hate, judge, murder others?

Did you ever notice how in emergency situations, such as on "warnings of fire" or on air planes, they also emphasize the importance of remaining calm in the face of panic. I wonder how our world would operate if everyone took a deep breath, for whatever purpose or no purpose, and entered a calm state of mind.

Maybe that's what world peace is. People finding their inner-calm, and able to carry it with them when they face their neighbors, whether next door, or around the world.

Hmm..

little words

2011-05-08T03:49:00.000-04:00

Little words like joy, love, peace
and big words like chocolate, happiness, curiosity
fill my being
with such wonder
that little things don't matter
when I see the big picture

~

In the moment, after a few deep breaths, jazz (see my special playlist http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=3EF7FB4BF766FC97)... good conversation with others... the wind on my face as it carries the unifying breath of human race

it's so real I can feel it but
so big I can't touch it
except to wonder
where did it go?

each time I step back from the clamor
and hear clearly the hammer
of my heart as it slows
to a din and
tells me
"there is no sin
except to waste
this moment
we're all in"

savoring the taste of dinner
slowly, sweetly
like we did in Italy
every morning, afternoon,
night, midnight
early morning
because

this is all we have
the moments together
perhaps meaningless
perhaps containing all the meaning of the universe
in this second
now

and here I am
and you
we all matter
we are all matter
connected by energy
the stars we come from
the stars we die to

She looked in the mirror and said, "God damnit, what are you so afraid of? Your dreams are right in front of you and all you want to do is walk away from them because you're afraid. Don't be afraid, woman. Go out there and rock this world."

The mirror smiled at her
She smiled at the mirror

All is one, she knew, despite the differences that arise out of impatience, politics, religion, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, disability, intellectual capacity, anger, hatred

burning as hot as the molten core of the earth

yet their hatred burned as strong as her love for them

because all is one.

Amen.

Now go listen to some jazz and feel the soul connection of our being, they say, "many in body, one in mind".... do you see the consciousness shifting all around us?

Don't drop out... stay tuned...

some amazing, magical, beauty, wondrous, glamorous, ugly, REAL, plastic, earthy, smog, clown, divorce, unity, war, famine, peace
is about to happen.

And man, wouldn't want it any other way. All I can do is pray for the world to heal itself, while I heal myself... and someday we'll meet each other half way.

LOVE TO ALL, LOVE TO SELF

Good night~

Impermanence

2011-05-01T21:05:00.000-04:00

Loss
it slips
through
my
fingers
before
I have
a chance
to grasp
what
was once
there

My heart searches
for the missing piece
in the newspapers
and in the flowers
maybe they were
wrong

But the truth
looks at me
with a silent
smile on his
old, wrinkled
face

"Yes, I'm gone"
He says voicelessly

His words echo
like waves receding
and the peace
surrounds him
white light
pure love

He is gone
yet very much here
in my heart
in my smile

Thank you, Grandad, for all that you were, and all that you taught me about life.

You always loved to say "If you can survive the winter, you can enjoy the spring."

Today was another gorgeous day of spring weather.

Although you are gone, I hope you enjoyed the day with me. I know that you did.

Love you always.

Winning

2011-04-27T09:23:00.001-04:00

Keep trying. Never give up hope. You will prevail.

End of day

2011-04-26T22:01:00.000-04:00

Exhaustion
Thinking about all the things not done, that need to be finished
Anxiousness setting in like the darkness in the sky
Shoulders tense
Eyes tired of staring, looking, trying
Other thoughts clambering for attention
Ego judging, feeling judged

Then something in you says, "How I feel now is not who I always am. I feel tired, but that does not mean my life is bad, or my future is bad, or I am a bad person. Who I am is not what I feel."

Suddenly the feelings don't feel so heavy. Yes, they are valid, but they become trivial

When thinking about world peace, happiness for all, peace within, joy for Self.
When thinking about what's important to you, what makes your life meaningful
suddenly being tired is easily remedied by sleep and you dream of beautiful things.

Dreams that one day will be reality...

Accomplishments

2011-04-25T13:46:00.000-04:00

How can you accomplish something without the belief in yourself first?
How can you sow a seed if you never planted it?
How can you change your life situation if you do not send out the intention for change?
How do you grow without making mistakes?
Where do you want to be in five years, ten years? What do you have to do to get there?
What are you waiting for?
Why do you let fear hold you back? Why do you let fear prove you're wrong and its right?
When will you let fear go, let yourself shine?
If the moment isn't now, is that because you are not good enough for a beautiful, joyful life now?
Are you too busy running around cutting corners instead of seeing this moment for what it is?

This moment is an accumulation of a thousand moments before it, a thousand more after it. This moment is full of energy. It is vibrating with power. Potential energy.

Which way do you want this moment to lead? The choice is always yours.

Some moments we are necessarily caught up in life and cannot always be aware of the power of now, the consequences that led to it, and the significance of the future leading away from it.

Awareness--this is what lead to accomplishment.

Awareness of your ability to achieve. Maybe you simply want to get up with a smile on your face as opposed to the grumpy spell. Perhaps you hope to make a million dollars to donate to charities, or to pay for college debt. Maybe you want to travel the world, or teach in your local community. Serve for your country. Work for your family.

Awareness of your desire, your intentions, your aims, helps you achieve them.

If this is truly a journey of a thousand miles, steps, tears, smiles, that leads to your financial/inner/external fulfillment, to a life full of love, peace, contentment--you must start somewhere, right?

Why not now?

Fast

2011-04-19T22:25:00.000-04:00

They rush so eloquently
with their excuses of
why they cannot care
for one another

They push each other
out of the way
GO MOVE FUCK OFF
they say with their
bodies and sometimes
words

MONEY MONEY MONEY
I need $$$$$
they say with their eighty-hour
work weeks
sagging eyes
toxic waste energy
following them like
a slug's slime trail

"When I get this
When I do that
I will finally feel
content
at peace
able to rest,"
they say

a day goes by
same excuse
tomorrow, tomorrow
I will call her to
say I love you
tomorrow, tomorrow
I will take a deep
breath and relax
my weary bones
tomorrow, tomorrow
I will look in my child's
face and notice the
growth for once
tomorrow, tomorrow
I will hold my husband
with gentleness
and tender passion
tomorrow, tomorrow
I will be famous, rich, not
here and now
tomorrow, tomorrow
I will not be
who I am
here and now

tomorrow, tomorrow
is too far away
for me to wait

there is no such thing as
tomorrow

only now

here and now

this moment

of precious existence
to cherish the loved ones
both family and strangers
humanity
both family
both strangers

I do not know what wakes you late at night, and keeps you pondering why, why, why
I do not know what you feed yourself, what grand lies of escape from this moment
I do not know what the truth of the universe is, I do not think any religion knows
I think religions know there is a truth we cannot comprehend in our minuscule part
the magnificent whole shrouded in mystery
what a glorious unknown

I do not want to know the answers!

All I want is inner peace, calm, quiet, authenticity, connection with Self--
All I want to see in this world is peace, people calm, connecting with each other, seeking truth--not the lies they protect themselves with

It is not black and white
Not this, not that
Not me, not you
Yet me, and you, and black, and white, and everything in-between

Not everyone is ready to open up to the bigger picture. Not everyone is ready to share the bigger picture.

We are all struggling in our journeys.

Let's pray for compassion.

All we have is now

Great Music

2011-04-16T11:36:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CR3dM-GlZK8&feature=autoplay&list=PL264C86EC7BA0C838&index=29&playnext=3

Relaxing, calming, helps slow you down. Very important--slowing down.

Cleansing

2011-04-12T19:06:00.000-04:00

The absence of X creates space for Y

subtract the negatives
to create the positives

Life is suffering,
the first Noble Truth says.
How easy to deny, cover, dress-up, hide, forget, pretend, lie, and all the other mental games we play to ignore this fact.

"It takes real willingness to look at the first Noble Truth in order to become aware of another way and to recognize that this spiritual truth is your reality," wrote Joan Gattuso, author of The Lotus Still Blooms: Sacred Buddhist Teachings for the Western Mind. A very enlightening book that I return to time and time again when challenges arise, or when I want to learn more about Buddhism from her perspective.

~

I imagine almost every religion has some varietal of the Noble Truths, acknowledging the disappointments, pains, and transient nature of mortality, and the ways to overcome the suffering...

If you read about the three other Noble Truths, you will see the Buddhist way.

listening to Korean lady sing beautiful Christian gospel in Korean

2011-04-11T01:50:00.000-04:00

Peace has so many forms. It is all from the same source, though.

I cannot understand the language, and have a long way to go to understand the religion, yet it sounds like love, strength, peace to me.

It truly is universal.

Change

2011-04-10T16:09:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the best words I have to offer are from my teachers... those who have good wisdom to offer:

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. -Dalai Lama

A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. ~John Ciardi

Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal. -Arthur Scopenhaur

They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom. ~Confucius

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. -Leo Tolstoy

Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow;
Nought may endure but Mutability.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley, "Mutability"

We would rather be ruined than changed;
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
~W.H. Auden

If you would attain to what you are not yet, you must always be displeased by what you are. For where you are pleased with yourself there you have remained. Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing. ~Saint Augustine

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them. ~George Bernard Shaw

The ghosts

2011-04-03T22:07:00.000-04:00

Release the negativity
the foul energy
a black hole of
destruction
devouring all
in its path

Nothing can prove it
wrong, how much is
this about you being
right? The need for
control, perfection?

Let go--
the tight grasp
only suffocates

Burning into ash
the desire fades
and reborn
a white light
pure, empty, full
illuminating

So many voices
chitter, chatter
pick me, me, me
Ego, "I", Self
silently, in the back
the Higher Source
waits to be heard

When you are ready
it sends a gentle breeze
to your flustered cheeks
your anger, pain, sorrow
disappear as the soothing
Om
white light
love
surround you
and whisper,
"We are always here"

~

Just a Rumi quote

2011-03-31T16:06:00.000-04:00

"Heartsick, heartbroken--
To know love is to know pain.
What could be more common?
Even so, each broken heart
is so singular
That with it we probe the divine."
--Rumi, 13th century, from today's quote on Daily Literary Quote website

Sunday

2011-03-27T10:22:00.001-04:00

Staring at a photograph of a friend and her few months old baby. Brings tears to my eyes...

Life is so precious.

We never know, do we? When it will start, when it will end... this magnificent cycle, churning, turning, pushing, pulling--guiding. A force so much bigger than ourselves. Like love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jF2NmMUO6E&feature=related

Yet here is this beautiful photo of my friend and her daughter... and I sense the greatness there, and also here in my heart.

"If we could just reach out and touch it..." I once wrote somewhere in a journal.

Maybe we have to go OUT of ourselves to find "it"... maybe for some, at least.

Whichever way and through every way, "It" will also always be within us... all of us, don't be fooled by what they say.

Honor the differences of yourself and others, but don't let these differences blind you from the higher truth-- we are all the same in the best of ways... of love, peace, kindness, compassion, childness.

We are all children, we all have red blood, we all have parents--alive and dead and spiritual--we all have needs, desires, fears, "hates", beauty, excrement...

Do you see? This picture I'm painting is simply what's already there in you, in me, around us.

Like that hilarious video from last night said, "You can be somebody, or you can be somebody's fool"

What do you choose? And remember, you always have the choice.

May you choose peace, compassion, kindness, understanding, curiosity...ad infinitum

Blessings to all~

Natural

2011-03-24T01:32:00.000-04:00

Thoughts of recently:

Everything falls into place, if you let it.

Be your own parent. Gentle, patient, and firm. If you don't know what that looks like, watch how young mothers and fathers gently talk to their child, guiding them purposefully. Playing with them. Growing with them. It's a beautiful thing to witness.

Laugh more often! Find a stupid cartoon or show, tell lame jokes, spin in circles. Taking yourself too seriously can be harmful if you don't let yourself enjoy the moments between the greatness of your achievements or work.

Take yourself seriously. You are worthy of all there is to offer in the world--love, passion, success--you name it, you CLAIM it. It is yours to be had.

I've taken to using certain colors to attract what I associate with those colors--it's all bogus to the scientific crowd... but by saying, "This yellow/orange scarf is my bright aura, protecting me from negative energy, surrounding me with radiant energy", I truly feel it in my bones. When I brush my teeth, I think, "Please brush away all the harmful words in my mouth". When I take a deep breath, I meditate, "Anchor me."

Life is what you make of it. Notice: YOU make it what you WANT. The time is now, because now is all we have. Enjoy every last drop~

During great stress, take great care of yourself

2011-03-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

It's an interesting phenomena when we attempt to take on superhuman tasks. As the stress increases, we tend to take less care of ourselves. Yet this is the very time we must take care of ourselves.

Nap, a big pot of delicious pasta, some deep breaths between A,B,C,Z.

Some perspective on the tasks at hand. Then entering a better frame of mind to accomplish those tasks. Instead of the frantic scramble of thoughts, "TOMORROW IS DOOMS DAY IF I DON'T FINISH THIS TODAY".... the more calm, "I can do this, one sentence at a time."

One foot ahead of another. Calm. Full stomach. Rest. Now I can do anything I set my mind to.

Blessings

2011-03-02T22:27:00.000-05:00

Life, wow. I can only sit back and admire your beauty from my small perch, your majestic, perilous beauty looming gloriously in shades of gold, pink, purple, red; white light streaming through the stained glass perfection of your divinity. Capital L Life, not life, the one we complain about so eloquently in fucked up, beaten down, ugly language.

I almost cut my hands picking up the stained glass strewn around me, seemingly broken, yet the more time I had to peer into the darkness there emerged a luminous figure. Faceless, shapeless, it simply revealed itself in gold light and took my hand. Call it what you like, "they are all branches from the same tree".

Thank the celestial heavens above us for this "tree". The binding force of humanity. Is it religion? Is it our soul connection? Is it the blood all red and the pain all hurt that connects us? Interpretations are so beautiful, I want to explore them all. In art, on a swing with my head upside down. In a longing, passionate kiss. In the reflection of a rain puddle showing me a building's true angles. In the silence of Om.

All I can say, is thank You, Universe, once again for knocking me off my ego pedestal and letting me feel the shit of my humanity. A great mentor of mine once said, "We are all shit, and we are all beautiful". The lotus blooms from the mud. The scarab lives in the dung. It leads to the same-- growth.

Show me my humanity, let me feel it-- why do we aim so hard for perfection? I want to be HUMAN. We are not robots, no one can make us what they want without our consent, said Eleanor Roosevelt. I mean, she was an ugly duckling growing up they say, so she knew what she was talking about.

Why are we so afraid to be human? Imperfect beings who make mistakes and do stupid things? Today everywhere I went I observed people trip, fall, or walk in a maze looking for the exit simply in front of them... or build up walls so no one could cross over to see their Truth. Some boundaries are necessary, but god damnit, don't tell me you're another perfect zombie doing everything for appearances. Be real, baby! Show me the ugliness, be kind about it-- there is no shame.

Yet it is when we let exterior forces take control of our interior world that the trouble becomes maddening, despairing chaos. Think Nazi Germany, Fascist Italy, Soviet Russia, Genocide Africa, Racism Everywhere, or even Bullies in Schools... the mindset in those places is that something is WRONG with the OTHER... yet we are all the same on some deep, inherent level.

Thank you, Universe, for letting me be honest. Help me learn more~ and understand better.

Omanipadmehum

whispers

2011-03-02T01:16:00.000-05:00

You know the way you swivel around so fast, thinking, maybe some one actually called out your name in this meandering metropolis? Then it hits you they yelled Mary and not Marlena, or whatever the hell your name is. Damn, it happens every time. A moment of... recognition, gone, misplaced.

It's the same way in your head. That memory, there, yeah--that one! Recognition. You hold onto it for a second, like the sun on your face on rare blue sky days. Savoring the delicacy of something that once was will never be again. It reminds you of James and the Giant Peach. Maybe if you get out your crayons, you can draw it all away. So you get out your oil pastels, and draw it all out.

Memories never disappear. They float around, waiting to be called out, like balloons waiting for their rightful owner.

Strange how a city's streets feel like corridors, long hall ways walled in so high sometimes you can't feel the sky. But you still try.

You still try to remember, even if it isn't easy. Remembering what once was also reminds you of what isn't anymore. A life gone, changed, absent. He died of cancer. He was murdered by his own body. He died surrounded by family and friends. He died while she was on a plane getting there. What story do you tell? Sometimes you don't tell any one of them.

People don't want to hear it, and you don't blame them. Most of the time, you can't bear to hear it either.

Signs

2011-02-23T08:20:00.000-05:00

I swear, there have been a little signs around the city lately, telling me to GET OUT OF MY BOX. Which is quite difficult when you're going from A to B to C to Z every which way every single day. How do you incorporate spontaneity into rigid rigmarole schedules?

I think I found a way... photography! My phone has the ability to take half-way decent photos. When I see these signs around the city... graffiti saying "V for Victory" lit up by the 8th and Broadway Subway sign, or random swanky dressed guy in WSP feeding pigeons... it can be my collection of inspiration. In this city that's so hard on itself and takes itself way too seriously.

I WILL NOT CAPITULATE!!!!

A prayer for the world

2011-02-21T23:25:00.002-05:00

A prayer for the world. Rain on my parade, and you really only rain on yourself. Join in my parade and we can all celebrate the marvelous beauty in life. She stands at a crossroads, and asks, What will make my life meaningful in the end? She stands surrounded by family, friends; warmth, love. Luminous beings who transform dark moments into light. Oh Lord, Allah, Buddha, Krisna, All Pervading Force of the Universe, thank you for this gift of life.

There were times of sorrow that didn't make sense--and nothing but a sense of loss filled my being. Then as time went on I realized from my losses I was given so much. That "loss" is nothing but another way to say blessing in disguise. Time will reveal the blessing. The great tapestry of life--we shall only add our threads, never knowing the greatness of our contribution, yet always part of the magnificence.

The truth of beauty in our life is the not knowing. Thank you, Universe, for this ability not to know. You humble me with your omniscience. You teach me about expectations, assumptions, accusations. For all I know You will fill me with a glorious golden light right now. Wait--that light is always there. It is my challenge to seek it, acknowledge it, honor it. Thank you, Universe.

This peace within me is You. This love emanating from my brow is You. This uncertainty, fear, doubt all lead me to You, always. I am protected by your infinite love. How could I have ever known my pain would transcend itself, myself, and become compassion? strength? Laughter? Your Way is an eternal mystery. Your Divinity guides my every heart beat, though I am not always conscious of it.

Thank you, great Being. I am blessed

She said

2011-02-16T10:01:00.000-05:00

"Don't let anyone steal your joy."

Words from the wise

2011-02-15T10:05:00.000-05:00

Wisdom isn't something found easily. For one, most people who claim to be wise aren't. I'll always espouse the Socratic "I know that I don't know" as opposed to trying to appear wiser than everyone else. There are times, though, when words of wisdom flow from the least likely sources... perhaps even cashiers at morning diners. She always has the right words for me, even though I am far too groggy to comprehend the depth of her words.

Today I told her I missed California, and everything that California was to me.

She said, "Honey, who doesn't miss the sunshine state? People here in New York are shitty, but you just have to not let them get to you."

"Okay," I replied feebly. "I'll try."

"NO." She gave me that don't you give me that shit look. "Don't try. Just do it!"

"Alright, alright. I'll try... I mean, I just won't let them get to me. I won't."

"That's right, girl. When they start acting like that, just look the other way, and walk away."

Thank you, stranger.

Happy Love Day

2011-02-14T21:25:00.001-05:00

A letter to New York/ers

The greatest irony of today was being served Italian pasta at the cafeteria. I thought, "If I was in Italy now, I would have had a delicious feast, with home grown ingredients of wine, olive oil, eggs." Now I sit in my sanct, watching 5th Avenue streaming into the Arc d'Triumph at Washington Square Park. Less traffic than usual, everyone is either at home alone thinking about past lovers, or in a fancy restaurant with someone they might want to marry--but definitely at least fuck tonight.

I felt a warm, fuzzy peace-like joy enter my being today. It was so beautiful to feel the strong winds on my faces as the rare sun and blue sky shown down on all of us. I felt at one with the moment. Italy was in Italy, but I was "here". People around me, most of them at least, had such negative energies. Love is a celebration of life, and that's what today meant to me. A day to celebrate what gives life meaning -- Love.

Go ahead, ignorant, sad folk. Try to kill my buzz. You'll metaphorically kill yourself first in your negative reality before you can even come close to tainting the golden light surrounding me. You could even taste it yourself, you depressed New Yorker, if you just reached out of your Self and saw the great big glorious picture.

Of course it's "easier" for you to see the dog shit and cracked out homeless people than the beauty in the sky or in the eyes of the old lady resting on a bench. Yes, my darling New York, throw me all the sticks and bones you got. I don't have anything to lose, and everything to gain. There ain't nothin' like sunshine, I tell ya. Shadows...like frowns & addictive negative energy people carry around...always disappear when the sun shine down on them.

Release yourselves from that terrible grip. You are and never were chained. Perception is reality--what reality do YOU choose?

We all have the ability to give compassion to others and ourselves. What are we waiting for?

A date with mystery

2010-11-12T15:40:00.000-05:00

Open your eyes then
your mind and heart
will follow

Open your eyes
and look within
hidden mysteries

Holding tightly
to the past and
all that's lost

The night's harsh
cold forces you
from the warmth

of words and deeds
not following the truth
of your soul's intention

Open your arms
from the tight
clutch on forever

Now understand change
As dusk fades to dawn
Even the light must

Eternity is transcendance
From all your possessions
and possessing "forever"

No such reality exists
except the one in your
heart right now

Reflected in your thoughts
and actions
Reflect on your thoughts
and actions
Think wisely, act wisely

You are the universe
The universe is your heart
Vast, limitless, forever
yet never a posession

dark side of the moon

2010-10-18T19:37:00.000-04:00

Hope is what keeps hearts beating when science points elsewhere, toward death, or the sense of death. Hope is the breath of life in a world of dark realities. Hope is what is always around us... all we simply must do is reach out, it awaits our delight.

""
I wrote to a friend.

Yet when I look around myself, I see something, beyond the Samsara veil, like Le Petit Prince said, "What's essential is invisible to the eye." It is also invincible.

If the power of compassion is the outcome of pain, or loss, then! Think of the possibilities.

Nothing is ever really lost if something is gained from it.

This is why I think the famous quote, "Love conquers all" is true. Pure, genuine acceptance, Love, of others, strangers, people easy to dislike, friends, all...

Piena di pace... It is an idea full of peace, for me. Any world event, no matter how significant, becomes transitory when looked at in from a larger perspective. A balance exists, perhaps impossible to perceive from our mortal perspective.

Yet to know forces of compassion, love, peace weave the universe in which we exists gives me great hope.

This is why hope is important.

Everything falls together

2010-09-13T21:30:00.001-04:00

Like the wind
dropping leaves
life flows
ever slowly
yet each leaf
that falls
drifts on currents
of cool air
ever slowly
until they
merge with
earth as one

~

Everything falls together
Because all is one

WSJ

2010-09-13T11:37:00.000-04:00

"You're never going to get rich working in non-profits," says Ms. Dempsey, "but you will have a very rewarding life."
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703946504575470081491461608.html?mod=WSJ_PathToProfessions_MIDDLESecondStories

Nina Simone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RqvHzGuUuk&feature=related

Time for acupuncture.

Sri Chinmoy

2010-09-06T01:23:00.000-04:00

I respect Sri Chinmoy's words. I typed, "poetry of change" into google, and this is the delight I found...

"If our mind has all the questions, then our heart has all the answers"

"When
You talk about
Your wasted love,
You just increase
Your blind ignorance.
Love
Is never wasted.
Love
Can never be wasted,
For love is Infinity's Life."

"Perfect teaching
Is nothing other than
Sharing with others
The knowledge
That we claim as our own.

My heart is teaching me
How to be pure.
My soul is teaching me

How to be happy."

"The hope of a human child is to get the highest degree or diploma.
The hope or climbing aspiration of a divine child is to receive and achieve
Peace, Light and Bliss in infinite measure.
To hope is to feel the presence of the inner sun. "

"To be loved is a good thing. To love others is a better thing.
But to love God and man in God's own way is by far the best thing.
When we are loved, our life becomes meaningful.
When we love, our life becomes soulful."

"My true friend is he who loves me for what I inwardly am
and not for what I outwardly have."

"Hope itself is happiness.
It needs no outer happiness
To add to its joy.
Love itself is satisfaction.
It needs no outer satisfaction
To add to its reality-strength."

la musica

2010-09-03T21:19:00.001-04:00

The power of music, how it can transport you to a time and place irrelevant to present day reality. The inside of my mouth coated with the taste of the past, a fragile history. Music, it's more than a sound swimming from the speakers, or the rhythm beating in my bloodstream. It's a magic carpet, taking me wherever my heart desires. The destination is often far from here, like peering on top of a mountain 7,000 feet in the air and searching the horizon for distant blue peaks. The distance between them is the journey from here to the next country of my soul, a journey into a foreign territory. Where peace is all around, and reactions are dismissed rather than acted upon. The sound of Ommmmm and happy thoughts like chirping birds. Where attention is made to concentrate on the mind... where the attention goes, energy flows. Where is our attention? If it's not where we want it to be, or where it should be, then why not change the direction?

A Prayer

2010-08-31T01:21:00.000-04:00

Let us pray that today will bring a warm radiant light to our beings, and surround us with positive energy to keep all the negative energy away. Let us focus inward instead of letting distracting forces vaccuum our energy outward into their blackhole beings. Let us visualize where we want to be, at the end of this day-- exhausted, feeling unaccomplished, in anguish, overwhelmed. Or, rather, perhaps feeling calm, and feeling centered as we can right now when we enter the presence of this moment. Let us visualize where we want to be in the future, with a gentle smile on our face, taking baby steps toward our goals, being patient with ourselves and others, and feeling a sense of gratitude for all that we have, and all that we are. Let us feel compassion for ourselves, and the healing energies of facing our darkness and letting it out, so that the light may shine on it, and make our demons become our friends. Our friends who will help us delve deeper within ourselves, give us insight, and clarity to the areas in our being where we need to work more. Let us now take a step back from this deep well within, and look up, to see all the radiant beings in our lives, and beyond the horizon, and send a message of love to all beings, and a message of healing to all who need it. Let us trust that a higher force will direct these energies to where they are needed most. Let us take a step back from ourselves and examine our egos, and all the myriad ways it effects our day-to-day being. How many reactions could have been different if we had stepped back? How much suffering could we have prevented ourselves if we had taken a deep breath? And chosen not to react? Let us visualize ourselves reentering ourselves with better awareness, and more compassion within and without.
Let us breath, our existence rising and falling within a single breath. Our interconnectedness inside, outside. Let us breath, and be full of gratitude.

oceans of love

2010-08-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

A week of time spent together next to the Atlantic ocean, on the border of Maryland and Delaware, with my mom's side of the family. A place we have revisited ten years running. The same BBQs, lame summer television, porpoises swimming by, humidity--although this year the lateness in the season made the weather cooler.

At least once a year, we have a chance to reconnect, and notice how much bigger the little ones have grown. How much we have grown within ourselves, and how much further we have to grow. Each year, the children learn more, understand more, and are faster, so much faster, than the year before. The cruel pendulum of age swings the other way for my grandma. Each year, the memory slips, the injuries increase, and patience becomes an act of grace as much as a sanity saver-- for all parties involved.

We have traveled oceans, this family, oceans of pain, of knowledge, of growth, and most of all, of love.

The meaning of love has constantly been on my mind lately: self-love, capital L love, and love in general. Daydreaming of the blockbuster romance ending to any romantic connection... yet, I simply have to look at my family to understand what love truly means.

I am not one to often quote the bible, but I feel no better description of what's on my mind than this:

1 Corinthians 13

" ¹If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13&version=NIV

Freedom

2010-08-18T04:21:00.000-04:00

She once sang herself along the river,
You are as freeeee
as you choose to be....
Then she thought of creative rhymes ending in "eeee"
You are as freeee
as the fish in the sea....
Maybe not as creative as she had hoped.
But she liked the other line she made up
You are as happyyyyy
as you choose to be....

And there's some connection, she felt, between theses ideas of "happy" and "free"

Perhaps you must be free (state of mind? constitutionally? something?)
before you can be happy (the meditated type? or medicated? maybe like the fish
in the sea?)

Or perhaps happiness is what sets you free.
And freedom sets you happiness.
Hm, she thought. That doesn't work. Dictionary. Thesaurus.
set free the hostages were released just minutes ago release, free, let go, turn loose, let out, liberate, deliver, emancipate.

Liberate. Emancipate. Deliver.

Freedom and Happiness, both, symbiotically,

Liberate, emancipate, deliver

us to a place where they coexist,
in peace.

The words, she felt, were melting, and losing meaning.
I'll just keep singing my simple song, then. She thought.

I'm as freeee
as I choose to be
like the fish in the seaaaa
I'm as happy
as I choose to be
like the wind blowin
in da trees....

She kept walking along the river, humming tunes that floated into her head. Meaningless, meaningful, both.

The Future

2010-08-12T00:17:00.000-04:00

So many words to say.

"You don't owe anyone an explanation"

&

"Napa will still be here when you get back"

&

"Finish your journey"

&

"Go for it. Go find yourself."

These are my angels, my guides, people with words of wisdom. These are my friends.

thank you

2010-08-10T02:17:00.001-04:00

To Monte Michello for most appreciated comments and didoaflame for the support the other day, in oh so many ways.

Here is my life now

Email Me

Internships, Jobs, Volunteer Opportunities in Firenze Toscana Italy that were posted to the site in English concerning Art, Architecture, Music, Children and Youth, Community Service and Volunteering, Education and Academia, Human Rights and Civil Liberties, International Relations, Media and Journalism, Peace, War, and Conflict Resolution, Politics, Religion, Spiritual, and Metaphysical Issues, Urban Affairs, Voting, Democracy, and Civic Engagement, Women's Issues

Love me

for everything I am and everything I have to offer even if our time together is short

Life is

short and there is no time for regret or suffering

& it is

impermanent, thus pain we feel

But walk two miles in my shoes

and smile

Back to Italy. Thank you Universe.

Mid-september, housing set, internships lined up, and pass that prosciutto con pan e brie as we relish the park we frolic in with dogs smiling and the sun shining sweetly through the clouds of Firenze.

Stay tuned

Believe

2010-08-06T19:49:00.000-04:00

The little girl asked the wizard, "What is the secret behind all of your great power?"

He leaned toward her curly hair, and whispered in her ear, "Believe in yourself."

"That's it?"

"That's it." He smiled at her, then winked.

Moments later, he vanished into thin air, and she thought, He must have a lot of belief in himself. I wonder what I could accomplish if I did too....

Andy

2010-07-29T00:29:00.000-04:00

He just spoke to me. I know some people believe Angels are different spirits and not necessarily people we know who died, but I believe he is my angel. This must sound crazy to someone unaccustomed with the notion of angels, death, or spirits. I only speak for myself, but I believe wholeheartedly that we are surrounded by angels. They watch over us, protect us. I don't think of it in a Christian sense, rather, that the universe looks out for us, and this comes in different forms for different people. For me, it is Andy. He is Andy.

Tonight, I have a lot of editing to do for a film project I am working on, and I am on a tight deadline. The next two days I will be working 20 hours on the clock, and who knows how much extra for more editing. I love to spend 6-9 hours on a project, perfecting every detail, relishing the scissorlike effect of my precise timing, each shot a puzzle piece needing a delicate touch.

I was running around with my head chopped off. Where was my phone? I needed to call someone to find out a detail, which would have made my work perhaps 1 hour less. Well, I couldn't find my phone, and it turned out, Andy's son, Miklos, dropped by before this fiasco. We talked, hung out, then he left with my brother and his gf. Long story short, after pulling my hair out not finding my phone (and ending up in oddly symbolic yoga poses looking for it under couches), Miklos comes back, and after he calls it, his roommate picks it up from his house. Miklos accidentally took my phone!!! We have the same phone!

HAHAH. I love life.

Now I don't feel so crazy. I did yoga. And I got to laugh for five minutes straight. Which I did earlier with someone else, but that's another story.

Oh goodness, life. Sure does like to catch us with our pants down. Or when we need to laugh the most.

Thank you, Andy, for putting such humor into my day. It was so stupid that Miklos had the phone, and it was even more stupid how upset I was about misplacing it. It was never lost, only waiting to be found.

Hm...

Sometimes

2010-07-28T00:02:00.001-04:00

Sometimes all it takes is a good night's sleep to make a day go by super duper fast. Lots of positive attitude helps. Good energy. Meditation. Deep breathing. Art. Friends. Family.

Maybe that is the way life is. We treat ourselves well, our bodies, our minds, our spirits. We surround ourselves with love, light, positivity-- like friends, family, and things we love to do. Then it all goes by so fast. And so wonderfully.

Like a dream/thought/poem/memory that makes us smile when we wake up.

Maybe our grand schemes of saving the world and ourselves only requires simple steps. Breath in. Then out. Lift those corners, and smile that mouth! Pick up that pen/brush/spoon and do whatever it is you love. Step outside, and observe the beauty all around, waiting to be found.

What a sweet dream it is. This life of ours.

Ommm

listen

2010-07-20T19:28:00.001-04:00

to your heart i say!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GydN5VDDBMM&feature=related

Beat

2010-07-08T00:56:00.000-04:00

These bricks are the walls
to my 4 cornered universe
stacked upon each other
fitting perfectly
until they fall a part

and these beans roasting
french, italian, mexican
some organic, twelve ounces
and two shots with a splash
of vanilla and room
for cream please

but the smell of dirt
and my hands black after
rubbing her coat as the
cat food smelling mouth
licks my face in
adoration is like

the perfection of now
without expectations or
attachment but simply
joyous surrender to
what is versus
what I want it to be

is like singing my heart
into the sky at night
with all the stars except
for the glimmer of sun
dipping beneath San Fran
cisco's hills and my voice
ringing across the city

the beauty unfolding/ ever growing soul/ of light

2010-06-29T13:37:00.000-04:00

Inspired I feel,
where's my choir
for this meal
of soulful
encounters
and laughing
dancers
twirling like
petals whirling
in the winds
of san francisco
in the curls
of her hair

like the blond
hills golden
from green
like her eyes
in the spring
the skies blue
so dark it hurts
like the wounds
in her heart
but the sun
soothing the hills
like the sleeping
mountain goddess
soothing the chills
of her spine
words honest
spill from her mouth
like smoke escaping
the chamber
after a boy shot,
killed, for what,
FOR WHAT,
she just wants to
tell him how much
she likes him
in New Zealand
and somewhere
in the greenery
he told her
the same

how many alley ways
hills
lines
streets
views
stars
moons
suns rising
and setting
winds breezing
and breathing
hands clasped
in how many parks
and
this is what you call
the beginning

Smile

2010-05-29T02:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Universe,

Thank you for making almost all my wishes come true. I imagine You had a divine/cosmic reason for why some didn't come through. I accept this, and understand you have ultimate reign on all reality, time, space. Everything.

Thank you for all of the blessings in my life. Thank you for always challenging me. I am not always patient, or understanding of the lessons you have placed along my journey... but I am learning to listen with my heart to the words, images, sensations you are sending my way...

I really miss Italy, but for having to give up that life for this one, I am so thankful. To be alive, near healthy, close to family and dear friends. I feel you have given me so much through this. To learn to live healthfully, mindfully, consciously.

I am not always conscious of your ways, or even my ways... but I am learning to pay more attention. Focus. Appreciate. Accept.

Life is a circle. Thank you for this journey, no matter how far we run, we are always on the path you have sent us on, and no matter how little we travel, we always have the ability to travel so far with you in mind.

Thank you for everything.

Love deeply,
C

influence

2010-05-14T17:57:00.001-04:00

[5/14/10 2:53:12 PM] charlotte lyles: influence is a danger thing, I think instead you should observe, listen and then make your own interpretation of what I have to say. that is critical thinking. influences can be unclarifying.

what's essential said le petit prince

2010-05-14T16:51:00.000-04:00

There's a reason for everything
You are always found, you are not lost
Follow the spirit that moves you
toward the sunshine and cheer
and with this insight
you shall never fear
another dark passage
in your life.
Be brave, you are
bold-- the love
has freed you
from the chains
in your soul
and you fly
onward, in the
black night or
bright day
toward that
which makes
your heart
beat faster.

little chi

2010-05-01T18:05:00.002-04:00

just played on a playground like a five year old with my three little girl friends and a happy little dog named lucy. we all have little children in our souls. let them out to play like I did today!

I am finding

2010-04-27T20:51:00.002-04:00

impossibilities becoming possible, miracles upon miracles... finding the sublime in the quotidian

like a frappuccino

2010-04-24T15:01:00.000-04:00

the days blend
into each other and
one can hardly tell
the subtle changing
of guard between
night and day
light and darkness
dictated by the cosmic
forces of my soul

all my thoughts collect
like raindrops on a
petal abundant with
possibility and
endless hope

this is survival
or is it the revival
of my spirit
exhausted from
running on
empty

but they say
laughter is the
fuel for my
engine and
love is the cure
for my spirit

but what can
fix the ailments
of my brain
the spinning
cycle never
ceasing yet
always running

if I could only
muster the strength
or stir a little
courage in my
being to face
these demons

with my weapons
a pen and paintbrush
my voice all bluesy
compassionate prayers
and the bullets of
my tears

ripping into
gushing out of
tearing up
twisting pulling
my stomach

a tangled mess
of postponed stress
and I know
my cure is not
in a drug or
love obscure
but in my thoughts
and actions
with pure intentions

om ma ni pad me hum

way of Life

2010-04-16T13:45:00.000-04:00

When I think about "way of Life" I think about cultures and prescribed customs of eating, dressing, doing. I think about what seems to define a person, both outwardly by their actions and appearance, and inwardly, by their beliefs and values. Yet, remember what Mahatma Gandhi said?

"A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes."

and

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world -- that is the myth of the atomic age -- as in being able to remake ourselves."

Our thoughts become reality--OUR reality. Yet we so often say that we are a product of our environments, our society, our government, our families, our pasts, of God... we place so much of the responsibility of WHAT and WHO we become outside of ourselves.

What a dangerous blame to place!

Isn't it clear that all of those influences are EXternal and who we become happens INside of us? Not to doubt, emotional distresses--like abuse, childhood neglect, sudden death, etc--can cause major influences in our life and for a time, completely influence our every thoughts (becoming) emotions (becoming) actions.

But the beauty of pain is learning to step back from it and realizing it is a REaction to an event (or series of events) but it does NOT have to define who I am TODAY. In fact, perhaps those events helped shape me, perhaps my past customs, histories, societies, all of it---perhaps they all helped me become the compassionate individual I strive for today. Great.

But all along that journey, and FOREVER more, I will always have the choice of my thoughts, feelings, actions. The choice of my attitude. The choice, ultimately, of my way of life.

This realization, isn't it liberating? Yes, it places a huge amount of responsibility on our shoulders. In fact, all of the responsibility lies within each of us---just as much as ALL of the potential to BECOME whatever we desire.

Let me say that again. You are as FREE as you want to be, as you think, as you believe, as you act.

Thus, you are as FREE as you are right now to BECOME what you want RIGHT NOW.

Nothing is holding you back.

NOTHING.

Except, time, patience, perseverance, and your willingness to commit and follow-through with your dreams.

But damn, ain't it pretty to make dreams come true? It's so worth all the hard work, too.

TRUST ME.

No.

TRUST YOURSELF.

Xoxo

we are all so blessed

2010-04-10T18:50:00.001-04:00

she's feelin' the weariness
in her bones
some days she's too
serious but
she ain't never alone

life is so mysterious
it don't make sense at all
some days she's afraid
some days she's bold
but it ain't never
gettin' old

she'd rather be alive
and feelin' this pain
than six feet under
soakin the dirt and rain
she'd rather be smilin'
than feelin' the blues
cus there's always a reason
to keep on movin' through

today's a new day
she don't know
what tomorrow is
but that don't matter
cus it don't exist
yet

she's feelin' weary
but she ain't worried
no more, no more
she's feelin'
but that's life

cus ya got one
only one
to live and then
it's gone
she's weary
but she keeps
movin' on
she keeps on

The Importance of Being Single

2010-04-07T17:34:00.000-04:00

Often, in this stage of life called "young adulthood," teenagers and young adults are obsessed with one thing--finding a mate. Whether driven by hormones, sexual deprivation, lowered inhibitions through drug/alcohol use/abuse, or whatever--- coupling becomes a huge theme in our lives. What's so terrible about this? Nothing, it's natural, as far as I am concerned. Psychologists have studied this stage of life for decades, Erikson said, this is the 6th stage in human development, called "Intimacy and Isolation", which is described as:

Love & Affiliation ~ capacity to give and receive love - emotionally and physically, connectivity with others, socially and inter-personally comfortable, ability to form honest reciprocating relationships and friendships, capacity to bond and commit with others for mutual satisfaction - for work and personal life, reciprocity - give and take - towards good.

http://www.businessballs.com/erik_erikson_psychosocial_theory.htm

Obviously, this time of life is supposed to be about bonds, and giving/receiving love. This is what lays the groundwork for the rest of our lives--marriage, family, friendships, relationships, work.

Based on this text, this stage should be called: The Importance of Finding a Mate (wrapped in white lace with red roses and sexy music over candles playing as we recall blurry memories--or was it Media?--of love, sweet love... how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...)

No, I think it's different for me, and maybe many other young women out there.

I think it should be called, "The Importance of Finding Ourselves," which leads me to the title of this entry, "The Importance of Being Single."

How can we expect to fully give love to another beautiful individual if we are not yet complete ourselves? If we don't yet fully love ourselves? If we have not pursued our own interests to promote our health, happiness, and general welfare?

Why must my interest as a twenty-something be so absorbed in completing some one else? Or better yet, having someone else complete me?

These concepts are illusory.

No one can truly complete us... No one can really make us happy... I mean, my happiness must first have its foundation within myself, and not externally in someone's sexy brown eyes, or in $$$, or sex, or drugs or alcohol. My happiness must come from within.

I must grow and experience life--I must learn from my "mistakes" and "failures"... I must search within myself and ask those harrowing questions...

Who am I?

What do I want to do?

Why?

How?

What is meaningful to me in my life?

What do I hope to accomplish before I die?

Do I believe in God, heaven, hell, devils, angels, Buddhas, Spaghetti Meatball monsters?

I understand most if not all of these questions take thousands of years to answer, and I will always be asking them, because I have a very inquisitive mind.

Yet, all this talk of Love, Romance, Courtship, "How to Touch a Naked Man" on Cosmo cover...

Why so much pressure to be with someone?

I would rather have fun with myself before I make someone else my entertainment and sex factory. I want to explore my interests, read more, watch more movies, talk more with friends, drink more coffee (caffeine please!), get a job, run every morning, yoga every once in a while, MORE MONOPOLY, sing more, jam more, hike more, breath more, ART more....

There is so much to be gained by being single. Which is extremely difficult for my Libra nature, someone who is naturally inclined to have a mate... or who LOVES THE IDEA of a mate, but is so damn flighty and in love with the whoooole world... never wants to settle on just one.

Well, then, I must settle with myself for now.

And damn,

is that such a terrible thing?

HELL no.

I am so excited to begin this journey with myself... it is the journey of a lifetime...

and when I am ready, or when the Universe is ready, some magical thing called Looove will strike me like thunder and I will be so struck I won't be able to move except to move closer to him.

I have hope for my romantic future, and it begins with me.

give me energy, sun, moon, holy spirits, universe. I beg you

2010-04-07T02:24:00.000-04:00

but words must be said
and dishes must be cleaned
wish my soul could redeem
as easily as the soap scrubbing
my hands but this life of
ours is nothing but waking dreams
and manifest destiny

~

Today looked like this: wake up, empty a box of stuff in my room and organize it so it's pretty stuff and not boxed stuff, then float down the hill to the bus and feel the morning calmness heat up by the noon sun with the latina ladies seated near me with their cooing babies, and enter a charged atmosphere with someone, slam the door, and feel released as if the tidal wave went under me, over me, around me, but it could not penetrate my calmness even though tears were wiped, was it the wind? allergies? I smile at the office ladies of my past and all of the wonderful women who reared me in their classes, I am their offspring of intellectuality, inspiration, love--then walk with wise hypnotic woman to
the cafe to talk about chakras and await my band member to arrive
and once marcos enters stage left, hypno woman exits stage right and
JumpRope goes to the park to strum guitar and hum some sweet melodies about
the universe and its teachings as the sun follows the path it always does
and we move from sunspot to sunspot, shivering in the shade
of the banks' looming shadow then the indian and his protege
arrive to gather la luna to the college and a Wandering Rose event
in which a birthday card was watercolored for a boy.man.soldier in Iraq
after which a sleeping beauty was dropped eloquently
at her residence only to cook up a storm
of chicken red sauce pasta simmering tea boiling
chamomile and terry's smooth voice send her to
her chambers smiling about how sweet
the taste is of life.

I said maybe, you're gonna be the one who saves me

2010-04-06T13:41:00.001-04:00

"wonderwall", good song blues version by ryan adams

here's a poem for your day:

"Sitting in a Meeting"

but my mind is
not here or
anywhere but
floating in orbit
with celestial
beings and sources
flying soul by soul
together
and what is the
truth but
conflicts abound
avoiding them
propagates them
but fighting
isn't better
instead
surrender your
guns and ammo
slow down
your anger
until your mind
is clear
and you can
see the root
then plant peace,
love, compassion
and watch the
beauty grow

I truly believe....

2010-04-05T03:14:00.000-04:00

It's not the school that makes the students, it's the students who make the school... and I would like to believe every student has a chance at "best."-Io

I feel a strong calling to education... but I don't mean educational institutions, but rather, that self-education which comes from our intuitive intelligence... People can learn so much on their own time... the trick is to not believe you don't have any time.

We all have time to open a book, to meditate, to breath deeply.

To express ourselves in song and word. But the truth, the truth is if we fail to perform these basic tasks... our natural systems become imbalanced. Humans are meant for relaxation, because then our minds go calm, and we can clearly think about our every move, action, emotion, like a cloud gently sailing across the calm blue day.

lay down your arms
bear your troubles
with lightness
and disarm the alarmcaused by the quietness
of your soul in flight
free falling from
life as you know
it or thought you
did but you were
wrong so learn to sow
the unravelings
of your blues
turned to song and
yearning, you hear
the call silent
of peace and fear
inhalation, violent
as winds picks up
for then you may soar
and drift far into the
horizon sailing or
on soft shades of
pink winds
chimes clang in
symphony like
the trees' flutes
in the leaves' fight

sweet music is
nature's word
and if trees
could talk they
would say
always hope
for this day
TODAY
it's the only
way to cope
with the way
of life
and we're out
cold on the

fray
../

exhausted

2010-04-03T03:43:00.000-04:00

but I must capture today because it is bottled up in my imaginary jar of precious memories and when I sleep it will be released to the heavens....

yesterday I met up with an old friend, marcos, and we jammed a song... AND TONIGHT (Friday) we performed it at an open mic night! We are in a band together now, Jump Rope. It's somewhat of a joke, because we only just jammed for the first time yesterday, but that's cool. Who knows what great places my music will take me... it was so exhilarating, and I was SO impressed with all of the other talent there... Truly, inspirational... what a GREAT welcome home treat to home!

today I also went to the di rosa preserve, and wow.... that so so inspiring. Maybe I should just be an artist.
Although law is definitely calling me in like 15 years... international human rights law...

I should just be an artist.
No, I should courageously be an artist. I should be a stupid artist who approaches the canvas like it's the first time, every time. I should be an artist unaware of greatness and only focused on the small details of a word here, a brushstroke there.

An artist is someone who creates, a form of expression, that I believe is an extension of their Self.

Self=universe=world=people=humanity=culture=society=individuality=Self

What else?

I made amazing new friends today, and go re-in-touch with old friends.... it just... was magical.

I can't explain it. I feel like I just went to Prom, but this was way better. Definitely.

just singing in a park, soakin the sun

2010-04-01T22:50:00.000-04:00

with marcos and maria
he was strummin' his geetar
and I was singing the blues
while the winds picked up
but the sun still shinin
3 ciggarettes later
we realize
tomorrow night
is open mic
at the roasting co
and I guess that's where
we'll be a playin
choo choo

Inspiration

2010-03-31T13:18:00.000-04:00

I had terrible dreams last night, but then I woke up with this inescapable feeling of inspiration. I thought, despite how hard it is for me right now, I bet there are kids out there who are having a way harder time. My stomach is full, I have a hot shower waiting for me. I have college loans I need to look into, but it won't be impossible. I mean, it's not impossible for anyone... I truly believe that. But some people have obstacles from the opportunities that could take them places, places they probably think only exist in movies or stupid motivational speeches.

I wanna show them, the world is their oyster, and kids like them, their age, can see their struggle, and turn adversity into opportunity, into motivation, hope, a reason to keep going.

Let's see what I can do by shaking some money trees.

choices

2010-03-31T02:30:00.000-04:00

choose....
....between what will be sold in a month at a garage sale, and what will be carried with me until I sell in the long unknown future
....iced coffee or coffee, well, it's raining now, no wait, the sun just came out, okay iced coffee
...the cereal or oatmeal, since I am buying my own groceries now
....poetry or stephen king or both (both)
....volunteer as tutor or teacher at library (both)
....give 2 ciggs or 4 ciggs to kind stranger
....sing and walk and take pictures of glorious tempestuous stormy sky or simply walk
....negative or positive thoughts
....harry or harry (he always wins, that dog)
....amanda late at night or amanda during the day
....when to go to san francisco to see terry boy
....who's gonna be my band
.....peru or brazil or both for this fall ( both?)

....sleep or sleep (sleep) now

new definition of busy

2010-03-28T17:54:00.000-04:00

I am very busy
listening to my Pandora "love is my religion" station
while a little dog scurries on my bed
and I watch the weather
change outside

~

"Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny." -M.G.

is

2010-03-27T17:31:00.000-04:00

I really love this song by Tupac called "Hold on, Be Strong." It's really inspiring, for anyone, because we all have difficulties in life. You don't have to be in a hood or ghetto to know what pain is, everyone encounters it. Grass isn't greener anywhere, but it's definitely in need of watering in other places.

"God don't like ugly, and God don't like quitters." -2pac

Hope can grow anywhere.

It's the human struggle, we tell ourselves it has to be a certain way to make good in the world. That's not true. We tell ourselves only Hercules and Superman and Wonderwoman can save the world. You know, that's the exact belief that prevents the world from being saved.

Hope can grow anywhere.

No one is a god or goddess, but we are all capable of goodness.

"Don't just live, but live well." -Socrates (adapted)

Small acts are what make the hugest difference.

Smile. Give a flower to someone. Write a letter to grandma.

Maybe we put off doing good because we don't think we have time to fit it in our busy schedules. Or it will take too much effort. Yet every good act is positive energy, for us and for the receiver.

We don't have time to put it off. One life to live.

~

I have learned so much in the past few months, and none of it is a final lesson. Rather new ways to look at old thoughts, or new thoughts to chew on.

One great realization I hope I never forget is that you have nothing if you don't have your health. You can have a positive attitude, and your family, and love. But, if you don't have energy, it is like living lifeless. You know these things are important, positivity, family, friends, but they lose a lot of meaning when your body stops working. Well, in many ways, these things gain so much meaning, because you are stripped of all of the things that prevented you before from appreciating them.

Say, if you got sick, and had to completely change your life. Move across the world. Change your lifestyle.

So sick, you could hardly think because your head was pounding. So tired you needed someone to piggyback you home from dinner.

All you can really think, if you can think, is how much you wish your body was better, so that you could see your friends one more time, so that you could finally finish "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," so you could be able to argue with your parents on the phone.

And then like a miracle you got better, but there's a chance you could get sick again in the future. There are no guarantees. The doctors don't know.

But while you get better, you realize how precious life is, and how easily it can be taken from you. You've seen it taken from others, and you understood that people you love could easily die, any moment. You already knew that, but to know, to be faced with the realization that YOUR existence is conditional, and set to expire like the milk in the fridge.

Should you be afraid? At first, maybe a little. You know you were never close to death with your sickness, but at the hospital and ER you saw things you never wanted to see... but had to see to know. To know how thankful you are to be alive, to be healthy, to be able to walk down la Strada without someone helping you.

You look at all of the healthy dark haired, tan Italians walking your way, surges of them like schools of fish, so bright. Shining, their health.

And you think to yourself, "Man, probably only 50% know how lucky they are to have their health."

You notice a lot of them have unhappy looks on their faces. They are carrying bags of designer clothing, carting around children whining, husbands pining on younger women, dogs shitting on the Duomo steps.

And you correct yourself, "Naw, probably like 90% of these people know how lucky they are."

The girl you're with hardly comprehends your statement. She is escorting you from the doctor, who told you that stupid disease still isn't ruled out.

She says, "Yeah. I'm gonna go get a taxi."

She doesn't know either.

la la la life is love

2010-03-26T21:59:00.000-04:00

My amazing friend, S., truly helped me last night. She had wonderful wisdom for me, that she had learned in a meditation workshop....

"Real love is silence. True love is with whom you find peace."

My friend K and I were walking down my street, catching up, it had been so long. She is such a positive person, you know. Always so kind and gentle. We were walking along gorgeous rose bush trees, yellow, just bursting into bloom. They are huge and overgrown, little birdies like to nest in them. All of a sudden, we looked down and noticed a little bird just sitting there. We walked closer, and she just sat there, quiet, motionless. She was breathing, though. I gently poked her with a leaf, and she didn't even hop away. So I rushed home and called the Wildlife Rescue people. They said to get a box and pad it with a towel. I grabbed a shoe box and towel, and rushed back to the birdie and my friend.

I corralled the bird into the box, she was so willing, it was strange. She obviously couldn't fly, probably a little youngling who had fallen out of her nest. My street is full of cats, otherwise I would have left the birdie there to frolic around. She was so defenseless and lost.

The wildlife clinic was super nice. They didn't think we were crazy for bringing in a lost little birdie, and they were happy we had saved her from all the neighborhood cats. I left my number, and can't wait to hear about the birdie. I hope she is okay. We couldn't tell if she was injured or just too young to fly.

Afterward, K and I went to walk among my favorite hills. Yellow wildflowers everywhere, tall Eucalyptus trees, sunlight and blue sky shining through the greenery. The soft dirt trails, the joyful birds flitting about, nature-loving people hiking around with their lovers and children. Boys with skateboards coming up the hill as we walked down yelled to me, "Love your hair!" They were too young for me, but I smiled at them and said, "Thanks."

Tonight I am meeting up with dear friends and an old teacher, our annual 4th grade reunion, for a lovely dinner downtown. Tomorrow, more great friends. Sunday, another outing. I am so lucky to be surrounded by such positive influences. They help me adjust to the changes in my life and focus on the better things in life.

I miss Italia, but each day gets easier. Each day is a step in a new direction. It is exciting, calming, pleasuring. The future is here. I am thankful for everything that has happened, that continues to evolve, and all that will unfold. I am open to the future and these changes, and when I am open, they are easier to handle. They are not so harsh.

My heart is open to the love all around... every moment we are capable of accessing this universal love, peace, spirit. It is a matter of what we allow ourselves to see, not a matter of what is shown to us. Sometimes, some people are blessed with experiences that open them to this love. These experiences come in all shapes and forms: People, pain, loss, gifts, surprises, accidents, "mistakes," "failures," work, school, nature, family, yourself. If something in life troubles you in any way, think about why, rather than wishing it was over. Think about how you can learn from it, rather than let it rule your life as guilt, shame, pain. These negative emotions can tell us a lot about our-Self's.

Where does the pain come from? Why is it here now? What caused it? Who triggers it? When does it start or end? How can you resolve it peacefully?

I really love that quote, the only path to peace is a peaceful one. Sometimes when something happens in my life, I react violently to it, as if I am trying to defend myself from its pain. I wonder what a more peaceful reaction could be.

I have to add, I write all of this in an exploratory frame of mind... none of these thoughts are fully formulated. Or ever will be. I am not a therapist, angel, or savior. I am human and fuck up all the time. We all are, and we all do. It's not a matter of perfecting perfection. Rather, accepting our humanity, our pain, and learning what to do with it. Yes, it doesn't have to just sit there. It can become a work of art! A conversation! A poem!

Do something! I promise you, it will surprise you, as it does me, every time.

fruitful day (& listening to dubstep.fm)

2010-03-25T14:22:00.001-04:00

Today, is probably the first day in two months in which I have been productive.

And by this I mean, having energy to do basic chores around the house, make myself coffee and breakfast, accomplish tasks like building my resume and writing coverletters, job hunting, and other menial things like so.

In other words, my body and mind are not controlling me today. I am controlling them, calmly, one task at a time. Do you know what a great sense of freedom this is? To be able to think clearly, because I am not clogged with worries of my health or the future. Because for the most part, my health is OK right now, and the future is OK too.

I feel so lucky to be able to do these things. Even if they are boring, tedious, whatever. The fact is, I can do them! Yay!

"The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go" -Chinese fortune cookie

the time is now...

2010-03-24T12:49:00.000-04:00

My friend L. inspires me everyday. She is one of those rare souls we encounter in our lives... someone who can show you a positive way, a way to heal, and more often than not, she and I face the same challenges in our lives at the same time.... even when we're oceans or countries a part. Strange, right? Makes me further believe in cosmic connections, that time and space are irrelevant when we can be on the same spiritual plane in our minds and hearts through meditation, prayer, thought.

She recently made a list of priorities that she has had for the past few months, and the list she wants right now going forward. It was interesting to see how inverted the list was... and I thought, I bet if I did the same thing, I would discover something similar. So here is a list of my past priorities, and a list of my priorities now.

Past:

My job (trying to please everyone, keep the peace)
Relationships (exhausting myself with impossible possibilities, trying to be a martyr)
Family's needs vs. my needs (peacemaker, ignore own needs)
School (full, challenging course load with gREAT teachers)
Extra-curriculars (Haiti Fundraiser, Jazz documentary, English teaching)
Health (vegetarian, running every week)
Me (how do I feel? when do I have time to ask this question?)

I should note, that all of the things above were actually pretty balanced, in the sense that I was putting 100% of myself into all of them, except #7. Which means I was exerting 600% of myself.... no wonder I am so sick now (but recovering and learning to live healthier... which means doing LESS!)

Present:

I would like to learn to balance my body, health, mind, soul, spirit in a healthier way. Instead of exerting myself like I am 6 people, I want to unite my spirit into one unifying unit, and divide my energy in a better way. In fact, I would like to be able to have left-over energy for whatever isn't on the priority list. Wouldn't that be nice? God, I've never thought of that, honestly. (Tangent: Ha, the 21st century doesn't call for left-over energy, only burnt-out, caffeine-addicted, dramatic rollercoaster super stressed out, unhappy women and men pulling the wheels of modernity and civilization on their scoliosis and arthritic backs while they juggle babies suckling their breasts, partners/families/friends sucking their energy from them like emotional vampires, and careers that promise to make life easier with salaries to keep the economy going, the babies happy, the partners happy, the people happy, but is anyone really that happy? or have time to be happy?... No wonder mid-life crises are so prevalent, or jeez, just crises in general.)

Okay, everyone. One, two, three.... BREATH!!!!!

Now that that's out of my system, here my priority list starting today. Subject to change and availability without notice from Parent corporation. hahaha. Sign your life away, sucka! This coffee is making me too weird. Wired. Weird. Hmm. Dire W. Wider. Ride W. Drewi. Okay.

First, in Human Rights class we learned none of the HR are more or less important than each other... Rather, they are interdependent and without one, none of them could fully exist or be successful. I will look at my priorities with the same lenses. Because, well, my Priorities ARE my rights as a human, to pursue happyness, peace, love.

Meditation
Relax
Expression (emotions--feel freely; art--create, write etc)
Read more (God knows I have literally +20 books waiting for me to start/finish, not including the daily newspaper)
Study Buddhsm
Take care of myself (be more reliable, no drugs/sex/alcohol/relationships for awhile, rest up, eat healthier, say NO more, say YES to joy and relax and choosing the easier way more)
Love freely and fearlessly, but not romantic love. Love myself, love others, parents, friends, ex-lovers, the world. LOVE, compassion.
Know thyself

I think that is a decent list. I will add or subtract when necessary.

Today is the first day of my life.

let it out

2010-03-23T14:15:00.001-04:00

BEACH DAY!!!!! With one of my best friends. So excited. It is perfect weather today. I haven't seen the pacific ocean up close and in person for too long... since last summer? A whole year, damn.

So, I realized when you say the worst fear in your heart, like about your family.... and you just SAY what's on your mind.... then man, good things happen. Let out the bad energy, let in the good energy. Of course, I am still learning how to let out in healthier ways (art, writing, singing), but I think I am getting there. Expression... the best and free-est therapy. And it feels so good!

frustrations

2010-03-22T14:11:00.000-04:00

So frustrated. I wish people trusted me more, instead of looking at my life like it's a reflection of theirs.Or a reflection of something it's not. Why must they sit in their corners and fret, and speculate, and make lies? And then believe those lies...

Sometimes families are worse than politicians, in that they may not control entire nations, but they control hearts, lives, emotions, and I think what any citizen realizes at some point, like any member of a family.... is that we are not enslaved by our politicians or families unless we choose to be.

Break the cycle? or Continue it?

Rebel? Or Conform?

The only path to peace is a peaceful one. I will try.

meditate your pain away

2010-03-20T19:50:00.002-04:00

I feel like I am posting far too much, but I can't help it. I feel such profound changes taking place in my entire being---head, heart, soul, body. All healing vibes.

This is the music I just listened to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K93aPRE5-jo&NR=1 (don't watch the visuals, just breath deeply and feel the love)

These are the realizations of now:

1. I am moving out of my house and into a family friend's, who will rent me a lovely room with my own bathroom. I will be moving on April 1st, ironically enough, the date my mom moved to this town in '94. All circles complete each other and begin with each other...and never end.

2. I am sending art to friends, give me your home address if you want anything! milkandcheezits@yahoo.com is my e-mail. I can verify it's me if you want to send a preliminary e-mail then your address once you get my reply. All Sark, ATC, facebook friends, and gentle spirits welcome to receive my art. My lovely aunt just sent me beautiful big watercolor cards, and envelops, on which I can let my soul and joy radiate. If I already have your address at NYU, NYU Florence, etc, you can veremente expect something from me :-)
Expect the unexpected

3. Peace is my intention now. Love can wait, as can joy. I am going to meditate on peace, let its power spread out in all areas of my life--public and private. I can't wait, yet I must also learn patience :)

4. There are some people who will always be in my heart, and for this reason, I probably show them the worst side of my personality, i.e. anger, guilt, drama queen bitch, etc. I apologize for this, and know under neath it is love and compassion. This does not excuse my behavior, only explains it. Be patient with me, I will learn to CALM the fuck down... Lord knows my body needs it

5. I WANNA GO CAMPING.....

6. for all those seeking confidence, try this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ia5nAojCFGM&feature=fvw . I promise I won't laugh at yo ass for too long (so long as you don't laugh at mine, ha)

7. Buddhism, here I come. I am becoming a Buddhist, it feels right.

Peace, luv, n everything in between (like the middle of a smore)

-chuck

amen

2010-03-18T17:29:00.000-04:00

Man I know I am posting a lot... I just cannot express how relieved I am that I am OK. That I will be OK as long as I follow the doc's orders.

I am so blessed. THANK YOU GOD. I was so afraid I had so many terrible ailments... but now whatever it may be, it's okay... the tests came back alright. For now, I will hold onto this huge victory.

Thank you, thank you, thank you God. People in my life who have helped me through all of this. I am soooo freakin blessed. amen... and I am so freakin alive, thank god.

My new mantras...

2010-03-18T17:18:00.003-04:00

The artist must train not only his eye but also his soul.
~Wassily Kandinsky

While I recognize the necessity for a basis of observed reality... true art lies in a reality that is felt. ~Odilon Redon

Creativity takes courage.
~Henri Matisse

More updates

2010-03-18T16:43:00.001-04:00

Medical Updates:

My blood tests came back ALL NEGATIVE!!!!
I am healthy!
Well, er, that is an overstatement.
In 3-4 weeks, at most, 1.5 months, I will be at my average body status, which means walking longer distances (can only do about 50 yards on my own now)
In 2 months at the most, I'll be able to run again! If all keeps going well

However, in order to get 100% better, on all fronts, physically, psychically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, lovingly, I must follow some rules for several months. And you know what? I will. My body is weak, my heart is weak, my mind is weak (but overactive), and to get better, I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I say that in a self-affirmation way, not in an angry way.

I am going into a spiritual hibernation for a while. I am sorry if I don't answer calls, or return e-mails. I need to go deep within. However, I will try to return calls and letters... definitely still contact me if you currently do. All the support you can give will help me through. Even simple prayers and positive thoughts.

New Chapter in Life

2010-03-17T20:25:00.002-04:00

OOOooommmm........

A big chapter in my life has closed quite dramatically, and a new chapter is slowly being written...

But here's a quote I recently invented:

"There are no such thing as endings, only endless beginnings"

I think laying in the sun, on my green lawn, in the backyard, beneath blue skies will do something for me that nothing else can. I think making art will heal me

My mind, body, spirit, heart are all exhausted. But, from this, a joyous creation will come forth the more I art, the more I write, the more I think about all the blessings in my life.

Yet, I cannot deny how I miss Italy so much....

I will always cherish the memories, friends, food, wines, towns, skies, storms, parks, all of it...

Now I must close and open my eyes to a new chapter in my life. In California.

LOVE PEACE HAPPINESS to all

~Writing from California sunshine.

Charlotte took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!""Wants interesting and exciting things to happen i..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Autumn Leaves, Edith Piaf

2010-03-10T21:46:00.000-05:00

2010-01-09T01:54:00.002-05:00

Horoscope today. True:

You are likely to get so bogged down with work today that you get overwhelmed. You may not even realize it, but deep down, difficult emotions are welling up inside you. By the time the end of the day rolls around, you may be an emotional wreck.

And tarot... TOO true:

There’s a sad day ahead in terms of your personal life, dear Charlotte... Under the influence of the Hermit, you’re inclined to withdraw into your shell, while the Death card lends a solemn atmosphere to your emotional situation, suggesting that a disagreement or separation is in the air. Perhaps you need to take stock of the situation with regard to some element of your emotional past? A person, a place, a memory… Ponder the question, but don’t make any irreversible decisions today…

सींचे इ'वे बीन लोविंग यू बी लेड ज़ेप्पेलिन

2010-01-08T18:33:00.003-05:00

Strange, I felt so full of words a few moments ago, and now I feel empty. Can this California blue sky convey my feelings for me? It is clear, recently a storm was brewing this morning but somehow the sun broke free from the clouds and the triumphant rays are alighting my hair and eyes right now. Soon the sky will be full of stars and the moon will take over the sun's shift. Change. Light to dark, then dark to light and the cycle continues. My friend C. told me about "bounty and famine," how Nature is cyclical in her ways. What comes up must come down, and don't forget vice versa. I've also had this conversation with B., but she was telling me about Fortune and Luck. Up, down, Happy, sad, World is your oyster, world is your nightmare. Someone else tried telling me I'm a very lucky person right now, but that my luck will run out soon and I should enjoy it while I have it. I disagree.

MY LUCK ISN'T LUCK. IT'S POSITIVE THINKING. And as long as I think positive, I will continue to have this blessed life. Why attach my happiness to something so conditional and transient as luck? Or fortune? Or money? Or any other object that takes people outside of themselves?

I am not a worshipper of things or acquiring things.

"The best things in life aren't things."
and
"The best things in life are free."

I am a very rich person. My gold is my wealth. My emeralds are my family. My diamonds are my friends and smiles. My money is spent on books, education, funky clothes, art supplies, and random acts of kindness. Money is really Funny Money. Time is Funny Money. Things are Funny Money. It's real, and has some form of currency in the physical reality manifesting itself on mother earth, but truly, there are other dimensions to this existence that are not limited by the amount of money, time, or things people have.

Love. Let's talk about it right now. Why is this thing, which cannot be seen or felt or captured by any means, why is this thing so important? Why has it no monetary value and yet everyone has endless amounts of it as if they were the King or Queen of the World? Why is it that love can escape the frigid bonds of time and transcend limits of days or distances? Love is proof that there is more to life than money, time, or things. The only time that matters to me is spent with loved ones. But time itself isn't important to me. It's absolutely irrelevant. I throw the schedule book out the window whenever I can. If someone needs to talk, or if I'm truly enjoying myself wherever I am, with whoever I am, or by myself, I will not limit myself to time. Life is one breath, one flicker and then it's over. Why put so much importance on time?

A very dear departed friend had a circular clock hanging in his house. The numbers were jumbled together in no particular order , and in the center of the clock, two words read, "WHO CARES?"

Who cares. All that really matters is that you live genuinely for yourself and serve others when you can. I liked this example: an elderly woman, now retired, gives her close friends and relatives rides to the airport when they need it. Why? Because she can. She calls it her form of community service.

"Help those whom God places in your path." Or just help those who are in your path, whether or not you believe in God. But don't try to save the world. That's for higher powers to deal with, if at all.

It is time to once again to finish laundry and pack away my life into suitcases. I have been doing this since I was 6, but by myself and with apt alacrity since I was 11. Yet on this particular afternoon turning into evening, I feel a resistance unlike other past resistances on my part. This one has a different texture and flavor. I am truly leaving home and I don't know when I'll be back. Yet, if the Gods or God or whoever wishes it, I am assured a return here some day. It's not a matter of "if" but of "when". The uncertainty, though, tinges these lighthearted thoughts with heavy blues. Maybe a part of me doesn't want to leave. And another part of me was never here. And another OTHER part of me has never left.

Humans are not one-sided, or two-sided, or three-sided. Although I like this quote from Leo, the Gramercy security guard. He told me there are 3 sides to the truth. "Right/true, wrong/false, and the third side." I asked him what the third side was, and he said, "God's side."

Humans are ever changing beings. We are creatures of evolution, evolving thoughts, feelings, actions, physical bodies, histories, personal narratives, perspectives, educations.... ad infinitum. NEVER STOP CHANGING. ALWAYS CHANGE. Evolve. Grow. Learn. Inspire. Aspire. Develop. Collapse. Rise. Fall. Bounty. Famine. But through it all...

LOVE. The verb, to love. Love others, love yourself, love this earth, love the sky, love it all. Love without end because love has no end. Love without jealousy or anger or attachment. Do not think about what you will get in return. It does not matter. Just love blindly and wholeheartedly. Hurt from how much you love. Then thank your creator for everything. EVERYTHING. Everything in your life is a gift. You are rich beyond rich.

I don't care what your excuse is for holding off on loving and living with purpose. No excuse can excuse an early grave or cold heart.

SO LIVE AND LOVE FEARLESSLY. Without looking back. Onward, upward, toward God, toward your creator, to the highest level of yourself.

And then you will remember,

"Enlightenment is never very far from anyone." Travel a thousand miles or never leave your chair. But remember, you have the power to transform your life into whatever you want. If you want it to be depressed, if you want it to be stagnant and unchanging, if you want it to be full of anxiety and drama-ful people, if you want it to be boring and rigid, if you want all of this, so be it. It is your wish and no concern of mine. Remember, though, that dreams and wishes do come true. So, veramente, truly, BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.

&

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE. The universe is listening.

थिस इस व्हो इ ऍम

2010-01-07T00:27:00.001-05:00

This was my Tarot card reading and I think it is 98% accurate:
Your natural charm is reigning supreme on this day! No wonder – the Empress and the Star are both extremely positive, symbolizing an atmosphere of complete and utter harmony with your loved ones. You go by what your heart tells you, Charlotte, and as a consequence, the sincerity of what you say is clear to everybody around you. This is why people respect and admire you and why they like asking for your opinion. You don’t waste time with superficialities. In your professional life, the Empress and Death indicate a change in your activities, provided you manage to improve communication with the people around you. In order to achieve this you need to make an effort to express your ideas without constantly fearing that they will automatically be met by a negative response. If you want to progress your career, you have to believe that you are being taken seriously and that people will listen to your ideas if they are well founded.

Try it on http://astrocenter.astrology.msn.com/msn/DeptTarot.aspx?Af=-1000

2010-01-05T00:49:00.004-05:00

What a brisk morning it is
and how quiet the rush
of leaves in the soft light
as wind pours in
from the south

the bells murmur
like the silent eyes
of old women who speak
without words
but they speak of change
as the bells
clang clang clang

she walked a thousand steps
with the wind as her guide
and every time she heard
the bells, she stopped
and knew she was on her way
to having silent eyes
as the bells clang
without words
but with change

two thousand steps later
her feet were dusty, tired
and the wind stopped blowing
the bells quit murmuring
but she kept moving
made her own change
and kept moving
till she stopped

The Start of Something New

2009-09-13T08:55:00.000-04:00

Italy-- if there ever was a place to choose to study, eat, drink, and live, this surely must be the place. Besides, of course, California. The quality of life here is amazing--if people don't look pleased with life, they damn well know delicious meals await around every corner. The food is to die for, and every day contains a new encounter with culture. Of course, the bus isn't always on time (if ever), nothing is really open on Sunday, and more often than not, whatever it is (library, book store, trattoria, espresso shop, museum), is closed when you want it most. Part of living here is improvisation. Closed? More expensive than we thought? About to miss the bus/train? Then find an alternative. I think that's also just the joy of traveling.

What grand adventures have I taken? And what grand adventures are planned for the near future?
Well, a quick back story: I arrived on August 25th in Florence, Italy to study abroad with NYU. I'm living with 6 other girls in an "off-campus residence" located about a five minute walk from the Duomo (the biggest cathedral in Florence). We're a 10-15 minute walk from the bus stop that takes us to campus, just on the outskirts of town. Our campus was an old estate donated to NYU in the early '90s called Villa La Pietra. Our administration office was used in WWII first by Nazis then by allied forces. Dare I say it's probably one of the most gorgeous campuses I've ever seen? Complete with spectacular views of Firenze, amid olive groves and meticulously planned gardens, I hardly have reason to complain. Except for the walk from the gated entrance to my classes... it truly is uphill both ways! Even this sweat-inducing walk has it's merits: the olive groves close nearby.

After trudging around campus to my classes (Renaissance Art [WE'RE GOING TO VENICE AND ROME THIS SEMESTER!!], Italian Cinema, Intermediate Italian, and a Philosophy/English class 'The Value of Freedom' through Liberal Studies Program), and being surrounded by amazingly bright students who constantly inspire me to learn more and more, I head back to my home to study, or to a museum, or to a local supermarket to buy my groceries. I'm still slowly learning the right milks, meats, cereals, and breads to buy-- the all-Italian labels/ingredients can be difficult to decipher! :P

At some point during the week, we head to the delicious sandwich shop around the corner from our campus... Bar Lydia! BEST paninis in the world-- all homemade/FRESH ingredients (did I mention the pesto here is incredible!!), made by the nicest old Italians I've encountered. Another sandwich shop, "The Oil Shoppe" is a stone's throw away from my home, and has some pretty decent sandwiches too. Another definite part of the week is going out to local wine bars, and some of the less tasteful touristy nightclubs... but it's nice to know that if I get the urge to dance, I'm only a few blocks away from where it's all happening.

Enough of trivial details...Big sweeping details:
So far, traveled to *Fiesole (ate some of the best Bruschetta nearby cool archeological sites, plus, superb views of Florence from this small hilltop town), *Siena (the annual horse race 'palio' is here, twice a year), *Greve in Chianti (OH MY GOODNESS~ I went here, and fell in love with Italy. With my hand-drawn map, led a group up a hill to Montefioralle, saw spectacular views of vineyards/the countryside, and ate "Norcina" and chocolate souffle at a wonderful homey restaurant, La Castellana, then quickly tasted wines at the wine festival before heading back to Firenze), and finally, yesterday I went to Bologna--wowowowow. The quality of food there is AMAZING. Overwhelming how much cuisine to choose from, and yes, I had Tortellini with Bolognese, their prized dish. I think my favorite part was stopping for cappuccinos, eating cute little appetizers, and relishing the sites and sounds after touring the whole city).

-Off to Cinque Terre next Friday and Venice [most likely] next Saturday/Sunday. I really want to go to Naples/Amalfi coast sometime soon, but maybe next semester
-Booked travel to Barcelona, Paris, and Amsterdam for my October fall break (travelling October 17-24). Next stop: book hostels
-Dreaming about Berlin trip in November. Friends are talking about Munich Christmas festivals, Switzerland, Prague, Greece
-December 11- semester ends, somehow I'll survive traveling and studying (is it possible?), then some family might come to visit me, or I might come back to the states. If family comes to me, then I have to figure out the who/what/where of my travels in Europe from about December 11-December 24 and January 2-January 19. Any ideas? That's IF I have money left. If not, then definitely heading home to see family.
Spring 2010- Florence again (?)

All in all, this trip has been an incredible experience so far. I miss America, friends back home, family, English, but I'm finding a lot of those things here (thanks to Florence's extremely touristy nature i.e. everyone speaks English, and the awesome people I live with). Nothing quite like home, though...

I'm sorry if we weren't able to hang out as much this past summer, or I didn't keep in touch as much....but now I promise to shower you with my love more often. I'd love to be kept updated with your lives, and I DON'T want to lose contact with you. You are my teachers, my guides, my friends, my enlighteners, my humor, my joy, my strength.

So, there you have it. I love it here, and I'm going to find every possible way to stay next spring. Can anyone say European and Mediterranean Studies major? Or possible Art History minor?

2009-08-30T14:47:00.002-04:00

There are so many words to describe the end of my summer and now, my travels in Florence. I don't have time to use sentences, and my camera is charging, so until I put two and two together, here are brief snippets:

Summer-

-leisurely hikes in Westwood Wills, Bothe State Park, and Skyline park enjoying the vast landscape of the Napa Valley

-drinking coffee and eating out with close friends, especially in the last few days before my travels

-driving with Amanda for 6 hours, with a destination in mind but getting lost was half the fun

-spending time with family-- some good times with Keith and Shelly. Keith's leaving for Shanghai tomorrow!

-random beach trips for meteor showers that were too cloudy to be seen

-almost road trip to LA (next time, it won't be "almost")

-looking for, finding, and losing a job. Gained so much perspective

-late night conversations with Terry about life

-(there's so much more, but my mind is blanking now)

Travels to Europe-

...traveling two days, to a timezone 9 hours ahead of mine

...walking down Bahnofstrasse, surrounded by beautiful Swiss people, and witnessing Chagall's magnificent stained glass windows

...eating Mezzaluna (calzone and pizza) in a small ristorante in Florenze

...the view of Florence from the top of the piazza di Michelangelo

...the gorgeous, extravagant and yet simple clothing styles of Europeans.

...living with 6 other extremely capable and remarkable young women in downtown Florence (next to the Duomo!)

...having full amenities in the kitchen, two bathrooms, cleaning service, linen service, and a room with a view of the Piazza below! I feel so rich

...skype with family and friends back home

...classes start tomorrow! They're a short 25 minute bus ride away, in the beautiful NYU campus in Florence but outside of the town center

...appetizers and vino near the Duomo the night before classes begin :-)

I truly love it here in Florence. I'm definitely experiencing the transitional period, from Home to Somewhere Else, and that Somewhere Else being a Foreign Country, but thankfully Italy has some of the best cuisine, wine, clothing, and traveling in the world. So... adjusting to this country isn't as difficult as one would imagine. I think the biggest adjustment taking place right now is adjusting to myself. The wonderful coming-of-age, as they say. I'm starting to feel more and more like I'm exactly where I need to be... and if I open my mind and eyes, I will see I have everything I already need. It's all about attitude, truly. And right now I'm finding the attitude that works for me. Negative? Close-minded? Scared? Is that really what humans want?

I think it takes a risk to be positive, open-minded, and brave. Risk from letting go of what one knows and letting in the unknown. Being negative assumes control ("everything will turn out bad") but you know what they say about assuming. So, this trip to Italy, more than an academic pursuit, is also a pursuit within. Exploring the inner depths, and evaluating myself, the goodbadugly. And then, I'm trying to learn to focus on the good and how I can make the bad not so bad, and see the beauty in the ugly. It's all about rearrangement of perspective.

So, there's my brief update... light on travel details, heavy on life details. As usual.

I hope all is well on your side of the world.

MUCH LOVE to all

Big Changessss

2009-08-22T23:26:00.000-04:00

Off to Italy this Monday.... woo!

Mi vida

2009-08-11T00:04:00.005-04:00

(click on them to enlarge them.)

trust the way

2009-07-10T12:19:00.005-04:00

Picture: The swings of Death overlooking Napa

Delicious cup of coffee. Some eggs for breakfast. Yum

And about to head to work! I can't believe how much life has turned around in the past week. I'm the type of person who needs something to do during the day-- even if it's procrastinating doing something, I need to have a task waiting to be finished. Then that satisfaction of completion. Like devouring dark chocolate.

Last week I went on a hike in the morning, went to work for a few hours, then went on a bike ride with a friend. We were riding to the local farm to check out the animals and to figure out our next destination. As we arrived to the farm, she stopped her bike but I kept going. Why? Hah, my brake pads were broken! Oops... So, nearby the farm there's a little side entrance to my favorite hilly woodsy park. We rode our bikes there and went on an epic hike. Two hikes in one day. That's what I call a score. Riding back home was the ride of my life... but I survived.

I keep mentioning "work." Well, I got a job editing videos about wine. The software is very complicated and high-end (Final Cut Pro), which I am learning as I go along. I'm re-learning the art of improvisation when it comes to creativity and being professional. It's thrilling.

This weekend an old friend is coming into town, which means a fun weekend is about to begin...

I hope you have a great day~

the mundane, the usual

2009-07-03T21:23:00.005-04:00

*Possible new job opportunity involving video editing... more details to follow soon :-)

*Possible new summer fling... hmm but a very wise friend told me sometimes it's more important to work on ourselves than to rush off to romance. I'm considering all of the possibilities.

*Cleaned the house today, or as much as I could in a few hours. Scrubbed floors (ick! Living with 3 dogs means profuse amounts of dog hair EVERYWHERE. Ahhh), took out garbage, wiped surfaces, cleaned dishes...you know--all the exciting details of living in a house.

*Read some of "The Razor's Edge" by W. Somerset Maughan on the hammock. I really like the quote on the first page, from the Katha-Upanishad (Hinduism), "The sharp edge of a razor is difficult to pass over: thus the wise say the path to Salvation is hard."

*Having a few friends over tonight, looking forward to catching up and enjoying the beautiful weather

*Feeling optimistic. Feeling calm.

Now it's time for a hot shower after all this cleaning and my new favorite dinner: lettuce, cucumber, tomato, broccoli, and de-thawed frozen shrimp, with rice vinegar sauce.

every day is a chance for beauty

2009-06-29T19:28:00.004-04:00

some pictures

2009-06-28T19:18:00.007-04:00

Patzcuaro, Mexico

Medford, Oregon

she was a beautiful problem

2009-06-28T18:32:00.003-04:00

The smoldering heat outside seeps under my skin and into my body. Lethargy hits. Thoughts swirl around in my head, like leaves both falling and drifting on the nonexistent winds outside. The thoughts fall, and collect into neat little piles. Italy. New York. Napa. Maryland. How convenient that locations can quantify thoughts.

Italy. A new culture, language, place, people. I can hardly believe my plane reservation is being bought right now--it's all so real. Where am I going and what am I leaving behind? The question doesn't have an immediate answer, and probably won't for a long time. But one thing is clear: a new chapter is about to begin! GERONIMOooooooooo!

New York. Whenever people ask me about New York, I tell them the three ex's: Exhilarating, Exhausting, an Experience. I mumble about possibly being too young to have gone there at 18, such a frightening place to be at a young age, such a wild, adventurous, fun, life-changing place. Would I take any of it back? No. Somehow my energy, my vibrancy, my craziness is matched by New York's insanity. I love it there and I look forward to returning, despite all of the challenges and how I pretty nearly burnt myself out. All A's, though. How the hell did that happen?

Napa. Change here is gradual, like a giant wheel that gains a few nicks and scratches along the way, but mostly stays the same as a whole. It is a paradise, a beautiful trap for someone young like me, who wouldn't mind sitting around watching after a house and growing old among the vineyards. Yet it will never be enough. And it will always be here, but not in the way I knew it, because the past is gone and the sameness of then will never be the sameness of now.

Maryland. Having a bicoastal family is difficult. The answer to the question "What do I want?" is always complicated because there is always someone on the west and east coast wanting a part of it. It is just the nature of divorced families. Yet beneath the complication remains a simple truth: my family loves me, and they want to see me. What is so terrible about that? Nothing. I think a quote can explain what I'm trying to say: "Love many, trust few, and always paddle with your own canoe." I think what's complicated about family is separating oneself from the desires/fears/anxieties/pasts of their family--and learning to paddle with their own canoe. True, those things make up the family, and maybe some of it is inheritable, but that doesn't mean a person has to take it all on like a burden. The canoe would sink.

These are just a few of the piles of leaves in my head. You know what I mean. There are other thoughts whirling around, about foolish romances; about friends drugging themselves to the point of oblivion; about this damned Visa application process for Italy. There are thoughts, and then there are actions. Truth be told, a part of me can't wait to be gone. But then, that defeats the purpose of accepting the moment as it is.... haha, there I go again.

I should really be filling out my housing application for Italy, writing back e-mails that I take forever to respond to, learn a new chord (oh boy, got the G down!, on guitar), fill out another job application... but this place, this blog, is a nice place to come to.

2009-06-19T16:51:00.002-04:00

Something amazing happened yesterday. The day went really well. I mean, one of the best days I've had all summer so far. I'm realizing the more I express myself, the more I use art--write, draw, listen to music, any act of creation--the more I feel better. The more I come into the moment and let go. The same thing happens when I hike, especially solo hikes. All there is, is nature and me. It's peaceful. But when I'm with people, there's sometimes this synchronicity. An energy. I love that participatory buzz, like with team sports or making music or even just a conversation.

Anyway, I was talking about my day yesterday. Some days waking up, everything feels right. It's like all I have to do is show up and be guided by my instincts, or these signs that take me from one stop to the next. I have no control over anything that happens during the day except my reaction to it. And even my reaction isn't predictable. But what if it was possible to have a positive reaction to situations? Accept the moment, accept what happens, and move on. It's an interesting idea. I'm trying it on.

incoherent ramble

2009-06-18T00:21:00.002-04:00

All it takes is believing in yourself. All it takes is accepting yourself. All it takes is closing your eyes and stepping forward. All it takes is letting go.

Yet why is it that the simplest act is the hardest? Where is the balance of effort and surrender? That was an interesting concept I heard in my Yoga class on Monday. Usually I think in terms of effort or surrender... but aha! What if they were combined?

Now I'm confused. How does someone have effort AND surrender at the same time?

What I'm learning is that the ideal state is effort and surrender. But being in pursuit of the ideal state does not necessarily mean it will be attained. Maybe the effort is surrendering and not being attached to the ideal state, because it takes effort to let go of that ideal state.

Yet, why shouldn't a person be in pursuit of their ideal state? I am conflicted with eastern philosophies. I am an impatient westerner. I am an impatient me.

Hah, all of that sounds like my role as Logician in Ionesco's "Rhinoceros" a few years back, in Napa. I would love to get back into theater. Photography. Drawing. Expression. I love the thrill of being on stage, even if it was for a few minor roles. I love taking close-up shots of roses right after the rain... or spraying them with the hose on a summer day. I love charcoal drawing. Blending the shadows. The darkness. I love cutting roses and putting them in the empty glass Coca Cola bottles around the house.

I love bacon, melted cheddar cheese, eggs, in an english muffin. For dinner.

Life is a classroom. I am a student. I want to have all the answers. I want to hold the truth in my hand. But the more I search, the more I realize the truth is reflected in my face. If I can answer the question, "Who AM I?" I have answered all of the questions. If I can truly be myself, I have found truth.

I love both sides of my brain too much to decide what I want to do. But my answer for now is to go with what I enjoy... the success will follow there. What do I want? What do you want? That is the question we are all after, isn't it? If I trust my judgement ... take risks ... forgive myself for mistakes ... and keep trying, progress will be made.

Now I will go make dinner.

Let it be

2009-06-12T21:16:00.003-04:00

Sometimes you have to let it out to let it in...

Let out the anger, resentment, fear

Cry it out

Run it out

Hike it out

You hold it in because you think letting it out will hurt you

And it does

but it hurts more to say nothing.

So let it out to let it in.

Let out the pain, let in the peace that follows

Sometimes we focus so much on the peace, the happiness, but we don't talk about what it takes to get there. Sometimes it is as simple as surrendering to yourself, letting yourself feel those emotions, to gain ground. To feel better.

2009-05-30T23:51:00.003-04:00

Oy vey. What a whirl these last few weeks have been. I've barely had a chance to sort laundry and unpack boxes, let alone come on here and write in a blog. I'm way behind on keeping updated with everyone--haven't even called my dad for 2 weeks. So, what is new in my life?

Well, two Sundays ago I landed in California. While I got adjusted to Pacific Standard Time, I hurriedly unpacked some New York bags then started packing more bags... for Mexico. Two days later, I was on my way to Michoacan, Mexico to help my mom finish gathering my late great uncle's artwork and personal affects. We were in Mexico for 6 days... beautiful weather there, on the pacific side. Grand view of a lake, in Patzcuaro. They say it's the "belly button" of the spiritual universe. There's definitely something about Patzcuaro that makes it something of a deadzone. Time does not exist there. We woke up, ate food, ran errands, enjoyed company with friends, had some Mezcal (excellent type of drink from agave), packed up some paintings.... it was all a blur. But what time was it when those things happened? No one had watches, no one watched time. It was beautiful living in a timeless place. Very relaxing.

I'm leaving out one particular big adventure that I had in Mexico. I don't have too much energy to write about that episode just yet, but I will update you very shortly, seeing as I have plenty of time now to write on here.

Currently, I'm recovering from a bout of food poisoning. It struck me the evening I got back home from Mexico. We got back this past tuesday, so hopefully it'll take care of itself very soon. The good news is that being sick has given me a chance to sit down, watch dumb movies on tv, and relax.

Other news is that one of my best friends Terry just moved into an extra room at my house. So far it's been going pretty smoothly. I like to have my own space, so I'm learning how to set boundaries. It's probably the first positive roommate situation I've had since the beginning of college.

So that's pretty much where I'm at. I applied for a job in town, summer classes start soon. A lot of old friends are coming out of the woodwork. Things, for the most part, are going okay with my ma and I. I can't complain.

Hope all is well with you, and I promise to skype/write/call very soon.

Phew, I'm exhausted. Nighty night. Love.

2009-05-10T14:30:00.001-04:00

I didn't expect it to be this hard to leave New York, but the truth is, I've met some amazing people here, people I will definitely not forget. And I've experienced things here that have changed my life and the way I think about the world, myself, and other people. My first year of college has been exhilarating, with so many ups and downs--the fastest ride I've ever experienced. So many days where I wished I was back in California living the easy life with my friends I've known forever. So many days I freaked out about turning things in on time and writing perfect papers. So many days---all come down to these last few ones. In 3 days, I leave here. I came as a tourist, I leave as a New Yorker. I feel like I have conquered something.

I don't know when the change occurred, when I stopped wanting to be back home and started loving it here. I think from the very beginning I fell in love with New York and all that it has to offer. Yet, I experienced a lot of loneliness in the beginning, which made it difficult to appreciate the city's beauty. I experienced that weird thing called "growing up." Or "leaving home." Or whatever name there is for it. There are probably a lot of names for it, because I had a lot of challenges these past several months. But don't we all, right? We all have so many things we go through. I think that's why I felt lonely---I forgot that other people out there share in pain. It's strange how pain can both separate and unite us, depending on how we look at it. I have learned by sharing my pain with others, in a Bereavement group, that we are all not so alone. Perhaps what we experience is unique, and misunderstood by many (and by "what we experience" I mean all pain, not just bereavement), but that doesn't mean there isn't a binding force in pain.

But I also think an important part of pain is letting go. I got a fortune cookie the other day that said "The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go." Maybe by sharing our pain, we can learn to slowly ease the burden and find peace. That's why I'm beginning to feel better about living here in New York long-term, and making friends here. No doubt, I will always have my friends, family, and community in California. They bring me strength and confidence, and their presence in my life carries me through my days, like having a cheering crowd on the west coast. Yet, if I only depended on their love and friendship, I would not be able to stretch my wings elsewhere. So, I'm learning that delicate balance of holding on and letting go.

I'm sitting in Washington Square Park right now, another beautiful day (although recently the weather has been rainy and humid). Wispy white clouds flowing on the on-and-off breeze. The greens are extra green from the recent rains. People are out enjoying the usual music scene--trumpets blaring on one end of the park, live rock n roll music on the other, the acoustic guitar players strumming nearby. It is such a beautiful day, and I am enjoying it.

Perhaps that is what I have conquered--- despite all of the challenges, I still always managed to find a good time in the city. My letting go some of the pain, I was able to let in some of the fun, and open my heart to others. I am still learning, this is a daily process, and some days are better than others... but I am still learning. Exploring. Growing. Changing. It's scary, and there are still more challenges to come--but I suppose life would be so much more boring without them. Boring because I wouldn't learn anything and because I wouldn't change. A challenge is danger and opportunity (I think that's a Japanese character).

Florence is my next stop on this grand adventure called life. I am so not ready and yet, that's what makes me ready. How can I prepare myself for something I've never done before? Trust myself. Trust others. And then..... jump! Leap. Fall. Rise. GERONIMO!!!

(to be continued....)

a title is a label

2009-04-30T00:02:00.003-04:00

I love this age because of all the amazing thought processes one can have. Everything is a possibility, every exploration counts. It truly doesn't matter if there is an end destination. And that's how I feel about labels, too. Labels are end destinations. People are constantly changing, and I know at a certain point, people create an "identity" after that constant change. But is an identity supposed to be a transfixed mask we wear for the rest of our lives? Maybe every day is brand new and offers new experiences. What if those experiences had the ability to transform a person, day to day? What if people were so open to change that they could accept it? Sometimes I feel like people tell themselves they have to be a certain way for the rest of their lives, as if they have to ascribe to a "way."

2009-04-25T15:51:00.002-04:00

choose what will make you happiest

2009-04-24T12:52:00.003-04:00

Sometimes my intensity is too much for me and I go overboard. I freak out. I crash. I burn. and I lose sight of the big picture.

Sometimes the simple answers are better than the complicated ones because some truths are simple.

Today I went to the park, laid in the sun, and closed my eyes. I took deep breaths through my nose. Deeeep breaaaaaaths. I could feel the tension in my shoulders ease. My scoliosis-ed back loved the soft grass, the hard ground. Sunshine warmed my face, brightened my thoughts. The crystal clear blue sky smiled down at me. I smiled back.

Earlier in the day, I freaked out. I woke up knowing something was wrong. What was it? I suddenly started doubting myself... a tiny voice in me said "Don't go to Florence next year. You're running away..." and I thought, "Oh my God! Am I running away?"

The funny thing is, just because a tiny voice in me said that, doesn't make it true.

I thought, "Am I going there to 'kill myself' in the sense of leaving behind everything I love? I'll be alone! I won't know anyone! I suck at speaking Italian. What the fuck am I doing with my life?!"

I grabbed my phone and looked for people to call. I needed answers and I need them quick. Then, some cosmic force called Skype brought me to two dear friends in Costa Rica, and they calmed me down. Enter scene in park. Deeeep breaaaths.

After I talked to them, I realized, I am not going to Florence to "die" or alienate myself. I am going there to be reborn.

And what better place to be reborn, than Florence?

So now, I feel better. That doesn't mean all the problems have disappeared and life is perfect now and there's going to be a happy ending. It means I am choosing something that I want to do. I think this experience will teach me so much about philosophy and art, about myself and the world.

But there was another reason why I was freaking out this morning.

Grief. It's a complex hurt. But it's simple: it hurts. I tried so hard to keep my shit together this semester but it's all falling a part. Some of my teachers know what's up, some don't. A lot of friends don't really know about me losing somebody because I didn't tell them. I realized, I didn't tell them because I thought they wouldn't understand and because I couldn't acknowledge the loss within myself. I would not permit myself the loss--because I denied it's truth and did not want to be vulnerable to pain. I did not want to be "weak." I was afraid of what would happen if I let my guard down.

But another funny thing is that life will teach me what I need to learn no matter how many times I squeeze my eyes shut and plug my ear, to not see or hear the truth. Life will take me to the truth. I have to trust the course I'm on. I have to trust myself.

So, in my business to care about school, I stopped caring about my grief. I only would do it if others were doing it, i.e. Bereavement Group, but in my own time, I ignored it.

But it did not ignore me. It will not ignore me.

I can have anything I want but I can't have everything.

What do I want?

Peace of mind. Peace of heart. Peace. Laughing friends. To learn about philosophy and art. Good relations with family. To travel. To sing. To write.

I guess straight A's at NYU might not be on that list.

I guess letting down my professors might be the consequence of that.

But my friend was right when she said, "A couple years from now, what will you remember? Will you remember the grades you're getting now, or will you remember how you let yourself grieve?" (or something to that effect. Please correct me, faithful reader).

In my mind, I let myself down for not being the perfect All-A's, do everything, and please everybody student. But I'll get over it, because those are just shitty standards to live to. So confining.

The most important thing to me is that I learn. I have to let go of the grades. The grades are bullshit. The grades scare me, make me anxious, and for what? So that on a piece of paper I can feel proud? I am not a piece of paper.

Of course, I want to do well. A part of me always will. But right now, I'm not in it 100%. I have to choose (and not sacrifice, as my friend T.L. pointed out).

What do I choose? What do I want? No one can answer these questions for me. No one can do the work of finding the answers for me. No one has the exact right answer for me. And I reserve the right to decide what I want. That's what growing up is all about, it seems.

I want to be happy. What does that mean to me?

Laying in a park, feeling the sun, and closing my eyes.

very brief

2009-04-21T09:46:00.003-04:00

Today is going to be a great day. I don't know why I say that, since I have my last quiz in Italian in an hour (so not ready for it), 2 pages to write about Fredrick Douglass during lunch, then some reading and writing to do for writing class. After that? Crash. I guess the end is in sight, and it's hard to take anything seriously right now. By now next month I'll be back home, seeing familiar faces :-). But until then, I plan on enjoying every second in New York with my friends here. Last week my friend Alisa came to see me for 6 days. We did EVERYTHING.... Central Park, Times Square at midnight with the bright lights, Brooklyn Bridge, Wall Street (and the bull!), SoHo, Greenwich village, Fuerzabruta, typical NYU dorm parties.... it was the life. I'll post pictures sooon.

So... what's new in my life besides that? Just trying to make it day by day. Nothing new in romance... just the same shit, different day. I think I'm going to let it all go, whatever there was this semester. There really wasn't anything, just a lot of anti-climactic miscommunications. I trust that the universe, Nature... all the forces of life will let love/romance enter my life when it's time. Right now, I just want to have fun and not be serious. Be goofy. Dance around in the rain. Blow bubbles. Paint bad watercolors and still be proud of them or not care they're bad.B Be with friends. Listen to P.'s "Redemption" station on Pandora (totally recommend it).

I liked my horoscope for today, "You should just relax and try to enjoy watching the world go by today -- resist the urge to dive into the rat race. Life from the sidelines can be just as beautiful as life in the heat of the action can be. Plus, gaining an outsider's perspective will come in handy in future relationships and job opportunities. Understanding why people are doing what they're doing will give you a leg up on the competition. Coasting through life today will help you greatly tomorrow."

So here's to enjoying life.... hope you have a nice Tuesday.

Try harder to try.

2009-04-19T22:11:00.010-04:00

I'm out of money.

Out of time.

Out of energy.

So much homework to do.

Stupid medical bills. Thank god for insurance. but wish I had been more vigilant with this stuff. Didn't realize how much corruption and scams there are. fucked.

School... is going okay. So behind. So tired. Less than a month to go. The next few weeks will be hellish. Final exams, final papers, finalize class schedule for Florence next year, study study study. Try to maintain social life here in New York. and back in Cali. Try to keep in touch with family. Try to keep in touch with self. Try to eat healthy. Try to sleep regularly. Try to remember moderation in partying and spending and everything. Try to not care about dumb boys. Try to take risks without fearing failure. Try to be true to self even when sometimes don't know who self is. Try to stay positive but sometimes want to give up. Try to keep perspective. Try to take deep breaths. Try to relax. How to relax? Don't know. Try to be nice. Sometimes too nice. Sometimes get walked over. Try to express self. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Try to speak. Try to keep going. Try to be fearless. Try to grieve*. Try to open up. Try to try. Try to appreciate and be grateful. Try to not care about haters. Try to spread love and light. Try to smile. Try to laugh. Try to explore. Try to dare. Try so hard. I am tired of trying. Trying is tiring. Try to sleep. Try to dream. Try to hope. Try to write. Try.

Life is all about trying.

What does it mean to try? I asked the dictionary, and she told me, "make an attempt or effort to do something." You know what's funny about that definition? It doesn't say anything about failure OR success. It just says "make an attempt or effort." What is success? She replied, "the accomplishment of an aim or purpose." So, success requires an aim or purpose. Failure, she enlightened me, is "lack of success," and I asked her what that really means, and she cooly answered, "a lack or deficiency of a desirable quality." But aren't all desirable qualities constructions of our imagination? Maybe a desirable quality to me is living off the land, and that in itself is my purpose and aim. Then, boom. I am a success. People tend to be afraid of success, and failure, but what is fear? "an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat". Wait... do I see a common thread here? Fear is "caused by the belief" and where do our beliefs come from? And where do our beliefs about success and failure come from? Ourselves. Our perceptions. Our societies. Our desire to obtain qualities.

But what ever happened to trying? Trying without the end in sight?

Why are we so afraid to try?

Maybe because it is so hard.

And so easy not to.

People tend to think what's best for them is "success," and avoiding "failure." They want to obtain the "desirable qualities." They want to be accomplished. They want the riches, the awards, the fame, the glory, the x-factor that they tell themselves will make them successful, or make them appear successful to others. But why is success so important to our society? And why do we make failure such a bad thing? Maybe failure is good for people. It wakes them up to the truth of success, and breaks them free from the chains of success. Maybe failure helps people recognize their own humanity, the same way that pain helps people become compassionate. Maybe success alienates us, and makes us competitive. Nothing wrong with competition (we all know I'm the best, so don't even try to compete) (sarcasm), except for when it divides us rather than unites us toward a common goal.

Why can't we focus on trying? Just trying. Trying is a much better way to unite people, and it's about an individual person's effort--NOT socially constructed "desirable qualities". And trying does not attach itself to success or failure. Trying does not guarantee or lie. It simply asks for you to make an attempt to do something. It doesn't tell you the who what when where why how of the "do", which is great, because it gives you an opportunity to choose WHAT you want to do (again, versus success' "desirable qualities") and makes you focus on the action, the "doing" as opposed to the "accomplishing," succeeding, failing.

Even though I am not always sure about my aim or purpose, and even though I am afraid of the outcome, I trust that I have a choice in the matter. Do I want to try?

"expressing delight, encouraging someone to continue speaking, used to give an affirmative response"

Yes.

(AN: *grieve="to suffer grief," grief=deep sorrow, esp. caused by someone's death. I grieve Andy, RIP 11/5/08, died from colon cancer, was like a dad to me growing up. See end of "Pink Flamingo" post. Recently made a documentary about bereavement for Campus Movie Festival, didn't win but making the movie was ... exhilarating.)

out with the old, in with the new

2009-03-21T22:22:00.002-04:00

Not to worry, the last post was a "just for the record."

I'm actually doing really well, had a great spring break in Napa, San Francisco, and now, Washington D.C., but I hardly had a chance to see everyone I love (Sorry, Eric!) but I'll be back in Napa ALL SUMMER long... May 15 through August 25 so, we will be hanging out. I'll post some pictures soon of my adventures on the west coast....

but just thought I would say things are going good. Been lots of ups, lots of downs, miss my girls in New York (shout out to Patricia and Josie) and all my other homes.

Hope everyone had a nice spring break...

it's time to let go of the past and move forward. I'm feeling the good energy. This next half of the semester, I hope I can find a way to relax and not freak out so much. There has to be a better way to survive college than running on constant adrenaline. I will find that way.

Alright, but now, it's time to watch a cheesy CIA flick with my fave... di caprio... (Body of Lies). Just finished watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist with padre and stepmom. Ha.

Night~

2009-03-09T01:13:00.003-04:00

A quick post before I head off to bed:

The days are slowly getting better. There must be something about the springtime that creates new energy in me... my motivation is coming back! I actually got some homework done this weekend. Usually I spend my weekends avoiding my work as much as possible, but this time I had a friend and classmate help me go to some museums for our art history class. We went to the Frick... ah, I died and woke up in heaven in the drawing-room of Fragonards. We also saw Rembrandt's self-portrait, and some classics by Turner, Verrocchio, Vermeer, Monet, and Degas, among countless others. What a treat for a Sunday.

This week I'm getting henna on my wrist. I'm getting the sanskrit characters for the prayer "om mani padme hum" which I've mentioned previously, I think. It's a prayer for compassion for all. I was talking to someone and she said, "And it's also a prayer of compassion for yourself." I liked that.

I'm going home this Saturday! I am so excited to return to Napa for a few days. I hope to see y'all there, I'll be in town March 14-19. Give me a ring.

Alright, that's all. Hope life is wonderful for you~ sorry for not writing back to everyone's e-mails/letters/texts... but know that you reaching out is so greatly appreciated. I promise to respond over spring break.

Paz-